Or maybe just heat exhaustion

I bought my kitten a cat tree. Hopefully, when it comes, she will stop eating my fern.

I think I'm in love. I feel sorta funny. No, it's not with my cat. Or with Russ. I'm as surprised as you are.

Speaking of Russ, I made him watch Amelie. Well, I brought it over to his cube like 3 weeks ago, and he finally gave it back today. He said, "It was ok... But by the end you're just like, "Ok, this girl is so introverted she can't even talk to people." If he only knew how much I'm like this girl...

Also, I'm not in love, I love everyone. My horoscope this week says, "You're charming, but your inability to make up your mind will confuse your suitors." And how!

I'm covered in mosquito bites and I had a terrible day at work but I'm still happy.

Ebay for OCD

I'm grumpy today. For one, Russ is still confusing as ever, except with more bossy. I can't tell if he's trying to get me to be his gopher (go fer this, go fer that) just to see if he can, or if he's testing the waters for more bossing around (of the "take off your clothes" type). I'm torn, because it turns me on to be bossed around, but I don't necessarily want to advertise that. He also accused me of believing every word he says, and I don't, I just don't see the thrill in arguing with him over this shit.

In my experience, mixed messages mean non-interest, so I'm playing it as cool as I can. Which, for those of you who know me, is not very cool.

Also, I found out that my cat (the old one, not my new one) is dying, and Mom wants to put her to sleep... Sometime soon. That cat got me through middle school, you know? It's hard. I know it's time, because she can barely walk and her eyes have a vacant look to them, and it shouldn't matter to me because she hasn't been MY cat since I left for college 6 years ago. Still, another adjustment in a world of adjustments.

I went shopping today to get over my ennui, and also because it looks like I'm going to be in the black for the first time in a pay period since I got the new job (thank god, right?). I can't wait until I've paid my loans and have a little money to throw around. Of course, by then, I'll have a mortgage to worry about (you know, maybe, right?), but hopefully I'll be on stronger financial footing in just a few months. I can't wait to watch my money GROW.

I've been sick this week... I didn't mention that the double-skunking happened while I was experiencing a 99.6 degree fever. Why did I go into work, you ask? My rationale was, I've gone into work feeling worse of a hangover and was just fine, so I figured I'd be okay then, too. Also, I was feverish, so my decision-making abilities were probably not the best. I quickly checked over my work after my fever had come down, though, and it looked ok.

I signed up on an ebay auction for an iPod. I have all the normal email alerts, etc, but I'm still checking it obsessively to make sure I haven't been outbid.

I need to do laundry and I'm running out of time before bed. Good nights.

Stinky!

I got a second "Good" this week from my boss. I got a job out by the friday that it was supposed to be released (which is a week later than it should have been, but I only had it for about 5 hours before it was supposed to be done in the first place), and when he came around to ask about what jobs I was working on and which ones I'd finished, he didn't believe me that it was done. "I thought I just got an email asking when it would be sent out?" "Oh, yeah, that was Thursday. I reviewed it with Adam Thursday and revised it and sent it out first thing Friday morning." Impressed nod to himself and "Good." I'm like a junkie for approval.

I had lunch with Russ today. We went to McD's (nothing but class!) and then came back to the lunchroom for cribbage. Our boss sat with us halfway through (awkward!), but it seemed pretty ok. We mostly talked about movies and TV, but it was good. Oh, yeah, also, I double-skunked Russ (which is like lapping someone around the board). My boss was so amused (apparently he'd never seen one, which i find hard to believe, but the enthusiasm in his voice was genuine) that he had the receptionist announce it over the PA. Poor Russ.

Chaos is the spice of life

My boss told me I did a good job today on one of my projects (not even one of mine, it was someone else's that the customer wanted to change, but I caught a couple of MAJOR errors). That was the first time he'd said anything of the sort. I feel a bit giddy. Also, also, the level of chaos in my job increases the longer I work there. Without any extra effort on my part. This is great news!

I felt so giddy, in fact, that I invited Russ to lunch (he accepted, although somehow i ended up paying. hm.). I am, again, considering asking him to go see Capote on Sunday. However, I'm going to motha-fucking Madison! this weekend to visit my friend Theresa, so I'm probably going to be in no condition to sit on a roof and drink cheap champagne.

I started reading a new book this week. It's called, "A Secret History" by Donna Tartt. It's incredibly dense, referring to all kinds of Greek philosophy that I have barely heard of, and little bits of Greek and Latin mixed in conversationally. The woman is a genius, though, because it's still a quick read. Lucky me, too, because it's 524 pages long (eeps!). It's the first book I've read that wasn't about sex (or at least had a plot line around sex) in a while.

I'm silly, because I spend all day thinking about things I want to say to Russ, but when we're together I forget all of them and we just talk about whatever. I think I might like him. Uh-oh. I think I'm in trouble.

Here's a quote from my book:

I was waiting for a good moment to remember, suddenly, that I was late for an appointment, when Dr. Roland's friend Dr. Blind struggled up, beaming, leaning on his walker. Dr. Blind (pronounced "Blend") was about ninety years old and had taught, for the past fifty years, a course called Invariant Subspaces" which was noted for its monotony and virtually absolute unintelligibility, as well as for the fact that the final exam, as long as anyone could remember, had consisted of a single yes-or-no question. The question was three pages long but the answer was always "Yes." That was all you needed to know to pass Invariant Subspaces.

If my cat could type (and she can't, try as she might), she would tell you that she is very disturbed by how much I enjoy immersing myself in a large quantity of water. She tried to dip her paw in to investigate, but slipped and ended up with half a leg and half of her face in the water. She dragged herself back out by her hindlegs. I wish I could say I didn't laugh at her, but it was fucking hilarious.

Ok, enough about my cat. It's terrible; I swear I'm worse than some girls are about their boyfriends.

I haven't really seen or heard from Zach since he got a girlfriend. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a bit of a relief, although I can't help wondering why on earth I tried so hard to get over my feelings for him when I knew he was just going to go gonzo about the first girl he really fell for and completely blow me off. I probably should have just kept fantasizing about him and never called him back last summer, then he'd be in love with me by now. Isn't that how boys work?

Actually, just kidding, I'd way rather be lusting after Russ than dating Zach. Wow, what a breakthrough!

I'm watching a show about making a building out of concrete and concrete alone (well, okay, there are some steel rods in there). It's more interesting than it sounds.

* * *

This is one of my favorite stories from the last few months:

I was at one of my radio station's gatherings, and we were talking about the rain (as we were sitting underneath a kq92 tent, haha), and one of the guys in attendance said something about how people in Los Angeles declare a state of emergency when rain falls like that. I knew it to be true, if a slight exaggeration, and I said, "You lived in L.A.?"

He stared at me blankly and said, "Yeah."

The guy sitting next to him chimed in and said, "Yeah, we both lived there, actually."

I couldn't quite get the chronology of it right (I thought he'd grown up around here!), so I pressed it. "Oh, I'm just asking because I lived in LA. Where were you living?"

I caught the, "Oh, shit" and finally one of them said, "Uh... Mulholland Drive?"

Five minutes later, another girl came to the party, and the three of us fooled her into thinking they were from California and that they'd known each other before working at the radio station. It was pretty awesome.

Also, I'm a bitch!

* * *

Oh yeah, and then I asked Russ what song I should sing at staraoke tomorrow night, and after interrogating me as to what the hell staraoke was, he told me, "Build Me Up, Buttercup." So, all afternoon I tried to figure out whether the "me" was me, or him. Um? I hate being a girl.

And, good night, I'm so tired.

* * *

(I put the most important statements last) I think that one of the worst feelings in the world is to feel like one of your best friends thinks you're a loser. Sucks to be her, though, I don't think I am!

Mystery men

I'm all kinds of crazied up because I called Russ last night and he never called me back. Granted, I called sort of late so maybe he thought I was just crazy? I have no idea. But I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, or maybe I'm not attracted to him anymore (ok, we all know that's not true) or maybe I'm just in a sort of funk after the fucked up shit that happened with Nate last week.

SO, I'm frustrated because I think his actions are terribly confusing and why is all this shit so confusing? And I think that if he liked me, I wouldn't be so confused but there seems to be an awful lot to be confused about, even if he did like me. Which I don't think he does.

But then he came over and interrogated me about some guy who gave me a fork wrapped in tinfoil (and, why the hell would he care if he weren't a little jealous?) which is so stupid because I'm not attracted to that guy in the slightest, although I'm a little jealous of how everyone is all comfortable with him and I get treated funny because I'm a GIRL. I never realised how hard it is to be one of only a few girls in the office.

Also, I don't laugh at Russ' jokes the way I laugh at everyone else's because I'm so freaked out by his presence so he thinks I like other guys, apparently. Why is this shit so complicated?

Also, I suck at ironing. It's a good thing I'm a feminist, because I would make a really lousy homemaker.

Also, aren't boy-neuroses fun? I think I come up with my best material when I'm crazied up over a boy.

Slugger

Is my new nickname, because I knocked out a triple last night at softball. (w00t!)

Also, you know a word is overplayed when you hear my overweight, turbo-geek work neighbor say, "Oh, snap!"

Cheating gets it faster

I did a bad thing last weekend. Those of you who know me from my previous blogdentity may remember Nate, who was very sweet to me but we each had our issues and I couldn't overcome my feelings for Zach to be more than friends with Nate.

Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... After Russ blew me off two nights in a row, I was (and I think, rightfully so) more than a little freaked out. I did my usual scrolling through the numbers in my phone, noticing more names of people that I haven't spoken to in years than names of people I consider close friends, and I dialed Nate's number on a whim. He hadn't really spoken to me since I told him I couldn't pursue a relationship with him (i even ran into him at a grocery store and he tried to pretend like he didn't know me), but I call him every once in a while, figuring that everyone needs a friend sometimes.

So, he picked up, later explaining that he had lost my number and answered the phone because it wasn't anyone whose number he knew. We talked, and the conversation flowed freely like it did a year ago. An hour of chatting, and not even realising, I was inviting myself to watch The Dark Crystal with him (which i made fun of another boy for talking about it last weekend, ironically). So, we watched the movie, alone, at my apartment, and before I knew it, we were making out on my sofa.

I know it sounds naive, but I'm not always paying a lot of attention to what I'm doing, to my great chagrin.

And, you know, I was actually happy about kissing Nate. I thought that maybe I was getting a second chance with him. I should have been a little more concerned when he said, vaguely, that we were going to have to talk about "this" soon. When soon came, he told me that he had a girlfriend.

I thought it was okay, and we agreed that we wouldn't do anything again, but he spent the night, and he slept in my bed, and before I knew it, I was coming on to him. And, there it was, two nights in a row of being a homewrecker, even if only one of those nights was the knowing kind. And he kept saying that he was so glad for our second chance, but I knew it was the end of our chances.

But, because I'm me, I didn't realise this then, when I could have put a stop to the affectionate kisses and the frequent snuggles. So, he left, telling me he would be in touch, and I immediately realised that I couldn't follow through on my pillow promises.

Trying to put off the inevitable, or at least put it into the nicest words possible, I ignored his text message, telling me he missed me. He called me tonight when I was at dinner with my friend Katie, leaving a carefully casual voicemail. When I tried to explain what was going on with me, he got very angry and accused me of faking caring about his girlfriend.

We went back and forth, me trying to convince him that I thought he would be a perfectly wonderful boyfriend (which, in hindsight, probably not that convincing), and him telling me that I'd already said all I needed to say. I told him that I hoped he could forgive me, and that it wouldn't take as long as last time, and he said, "I'm taking your number out of my phone, and I don't ever want you to call me again. Thank you, Christy." I told him I would miss him, but hung up before he could say any more.

Moments later, I realised that I told him we couldn't date to punish myself for not having the willpower to send him home at the end of the night once I knew he was taken, and he told me never to speak to him again to punish himself for not being more forthright in the first place. Shit like this is why you don't date people with whom you have too much in common.

* * *

In other news, my boss gave me a project that had four components I'd never designed before and said to have it done tomorrow. At first, I thought he was giving me more responsibility, but now I think he was punishing me for a) giving away the project he had given me last week, and 2) napping at my desk this morning. Oh, well, I like doing the really hard stuff best (hey, you know me! i like shit complicated!) so I'm happy with it anyway. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able to be quiet about how terrified I am that I'm doing a bad job.

Oh, yeah, and I can't seem to stop calling Russ stupid, even though I don't actually think that's true at all. If you need me, I'll be hiding under my bed.

(title of this entry comes from the jimmy eat world song "get it faster". I'm so emo it hurts)