Overthinks herself into not sleeping and writing preemptive arguments on a defunct blog

I think if we're gonna talk about flaws, my biggest flaw is probably overthinking things. Way too easy to misattribute this to that or the other thing. Also, I just think I'm so smart, if I just think about it long enough I'll be able to figure everyone out.

I played poker tonight, and did surprisingly well, considering I don't know what the hell I'm doing. There was a guy at the table who reminded me way too much of these guys I went to high school with. Ooh, I wanted to crush him like I used to crush those stupid boys in my Poli Sci class. I don't know if he got bored, got chivalrous, but at some point he refused to look at his cards and bet all his chips, saying he had to "go to a movie." I didn't win that hand, and I wouldn't have even if I hadn't folded after we each got our two (omg, I offended the shit out of the old-timers for constantly using the wrong language. I am also a really clumsy knock-as-checker, haha).

Then, I made it to the winner's table, where some other guy squashed me like a bug. Oh, well. I wish I could track down my old friend Jessica so I could bring her to poker with me.

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So, I used to write somewhere else, and I usually talked about boys. Hey, what's a repressed/recovering Catholic to do, 20 years old and too shy for real friends but can still get dates? You know anyone who's too pretty for their own good? Now you do.

I loved my little corner of the internet and I would mock these guys (one lousy crappy date after another), and one of my guy friends was like, "You know, Christy, the guys you're dating probably read your blog" and I blew him off, like, no way, I take precautions, this that and the other thing.

I started blogging in 2002, when Google was a glimmer of what it is now. (btw, thanks, Google, for providing me a writing medium at blogger.com). These days, everyone is googling everyone. On some level, I've been waiting for karma to smack me in the face, 9 years later.

I haven't really written, online or anywhere else, for the past year or so. Partly, I was in a relationship that I knew no one would approve of (for some of that time anyway), partly the community was gone, partly I felt I'd grown out of it, and partly I was getting way fucking paranoid about what people were reading from the inside of my brain. I might write an entry feeling pissy or just sassier than normal and end up hurting someone's feelings 2 years later. It's a really weird experience: I have a good memory and I used to try and keep track of all my entries, but that would be ~1500 pages of writing about now. Damn, I'm like the Shakespeare of bloggers, go me. Anyway, so someone calls me up* and says "i can't believe you said this" and I'm like "I couldn't have" and they're all "um, yeah you did, here's the hyperlink".

I used to have a blogging friend who would periodically delete all his entries, for the same reason (i think just general paranoia, he mostly talked about music which doesn't usually hurt people's feelings). For a while, he'd just start over, but I think he's given it up altogether by now. Thinking about what I've written over the years, I should probably delete a bunch of entries. But I don't, partly to remind myself how far I've come, or hope I've come, anyway -- fuck, and because I think it's just more honest. When they tell you "honesty is the best policy" they are usually lying. Still, I try to be honest, and look for other honest people to build our honest little utopia where everyone's feelings are hurt all the time.

I've always been really shy, even though I was a lot more friendly (i was appointed unofficial cheerleader/welcoming committee of my homeroom) in high school. There was this day in 7th grade when I was sitting, waiting for class to start. I pulled out a piece of gum, which I always liked to fold onto my tongue in thirds like they did in the commercials, and this other girl turns to me and says, "Why are you so perfect?" in this really accusing way. You know, and I'm sitting there, like, "what? all I'm doing is sitting here, chewing gum." I don't think I even said that; I probably just stared at her. I just never really got what the big deal was.

So, yeah, my archive is there as evidence that I'm not perfect. I'm not some golden messiah figure. See, you were expecting a goddess and instead you got a human being. Bummers. I'm nasty, moody, I judge people all the time, I'm a slob, but all I can do is all anyone can do... Keep on trying to do better, be true to myself and kind to other people.

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Damn, my insomnia has me still awake when my neighbor is getting ready for work. I need a job.

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I had this joke with some coworkers (actually, that one started with my older brother) where an object with excessive quality X would be mocked: "Needs more X!" (can you tell I love math?) Haha, for example, cigarette package: "needs more surgeon general's warnings!"

I just realised in the past week or so that these sarcastic statements make for perfect Facebook newsposts. Hold on one second while I trademark "Needs more X" before anyone else can get it!!!!!!!!!

*Note: This never actually happened, see title and first paragraph of this entry for more information. Also, people just stop talking to you if that happens.