defective

Eh, so I spent all night worrying for nothing. I had a convenient excuse (and a legion of friends who don't answer or return phone calls) and saw the guy who has been keeping me up at night... Not in person, but he's all I can think about.

And, damn, I forgot how much mental energy I have. Especially being unemployed, let me just spend all my time worrying about this tiny thing or that tiny thing that will turn him off forever from me. It's exhausting. People ask me all the time why I'm single (hidden meaning: what's WRONG with you, anyway??), well, this is why. I don't know how to get past this feeling, to just let go of my fear of fucking up yet another relationship.

He asked me if I was a man-eater, while we were hanging out. As far as I can recall, no one's ever called me that before. So, for the last week, I've been asking myself, am I a man-eater? Is that what's wrong with me?

I think it must be a lot more complicated than that, although I am definitely driven by novelty and I also have an extreme need for spontaneity. But a man-eater? I guess I've always thought my problem was that I felt too much, never not enough. Well, there were a couple of times when I wished I could just get over the hump and like the guy who liked me so much, you know, when you meet those nice guys but they just don't do it for you, that way?

But, is that all I am? A succubus? A parasite?

I haven't read the Vonnegut book from whence this comes, but I guess he once wrote "You are who you pretend to be. So be careful who you pretend to be".