Destruction

I took a class while I was in college. It was a literature course, and its emphasis was on mysteries. We read The Maltese Falcon, Devil in a Blue Dress, various others. One book that we read had to do with the Cherokee (the tribe that was forcibly ejected from Georgia in what is now known as the Trail of Tears) as they lived in Oklahoma (on land that had oil on it... i'm sure you can see where this is going).

I've always loved learning about Native Americans... There is something about the pastoral nature of the way they lived, the way they lived in balance with the Earth... It is very Christyan.

One of the concepts that the book discussed was that suicide doesn't exist in the tribe. The tribe was a community and they supported each other. Depression happened, but they helped one another through their hardships. Suicide was a "Western" concept. I found myself thinking today about how it is the ultimate sin for a Catholic to commit suicide, but that the thought of suffering in hell for all eternity doesn't seem to act as much of a deterrent to those who are set on ending their lives.

It makes you wonder what made the colonists think they were more civilized. Scalping is crude and disgusting, sure; Europeans used to leave heads of executed criminals in the town square, to serve as a deterrent to those considering breaking the law. Criminals in the early US (and for decades and decades afterward) were hung in the gallows... Witches were burned at the stake or drowned. We legislate against cruel and unusual punishment and employ it on a daily basis.

Is it human nature to destroy others in an effort to raise oneself up?

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I want a t-shirt that says "hypocrite." I think it would be good for my sense of self.

The choices that make us who we are

Lately, I've been sad to realise that I'm not compatible with someone I really like as a result of the choices I've made in my life. It's made me think about how much of my identity means anything to me. How much of myself I recognise when I look in the mirror. The truth is, it isn't very much.

I'm sure part of the reason for this is my upbringing. I read a great article that alluded to "the false self" which is a persona that one creates in order to receive their parents' approval. Evolutionarily speaking, parental approval was necessary for survival, and I failed to realise how far we'd come since being hunters and gatherers when seeking the approval of my parents. And partly, I was just too young to be able to recognize my father's inability to recognise my unique gifts and talents and abilities as "enough." Now that I've matured a little, I see those same traits in me: an ex of mine put it well when he said, "That's good. Stay hungry."

Well, I've done an excellent job of staying hungry. I'm so hungry, in fact, that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be full.

How many of my choices came from my inability to be satisfied with my life? It's hard to say. But how much of it was rebellion against my dad, staying friends with Amber, my first cigarette at 14, all that other shit I did as her "friend," the boys I chose to date that made my friends and family shake their heads and ask as delicately as possible, "Why do you like him?"

I've had a major introduction into what I look for in a man in the last year, much of which has been healthy development. After all, it is good to finally understand what makes a man appealing, no?

But even now, how often am I afraid to be who I am? How often do I need someone else's help to break out of my false persona and be myself? How often do I hide out of foolish pride?

I can't help but be frustrated, fighting to love myself through the last five years, and watching my gains swallowed up, again and again, by that old demon of mine, backsliding. (bless that OCD) So, again, I find myself, fighting and arguing with myself for self-acceptance; I'm picking myself up, yet again, and forging a stronger being to replace the one destroyed yet again.

Man, is this getting old.

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If I could do just one thing in my lifetime, I would convince the Christian voters of this nation that voting against your religious beliefs doesn't not make you a "bad" Christian. I would challenge everyone who fears the judgement of their faith leader (isn't that what this is about? oh... you answer to someone else? weird) to go to one of those websites that allows you to pick where you stand on the issues, and then lets you know which presidential candidate with whom you are most aligned. I would challenge them to pick the issues based on the relevant passages of their preferred religious text, and see where their "[insert faith here]-friendly" candidates fall out. Voting for a candidate who is not pro-choice is no worse for your standing with god than voting for a candidate who wants to cut taxes for the rich. Faith has no place in politics, and as long as you allow your faith leaders to make you think you can't make your own decisions, we will not have a democracy. We will have a miedocracy (i realise i'm mixing my latin and greek roots, but it means "ruled by fear"). Don't let your instincts be exploited anymore.

I know free will is a scary thought, folks, but it's time we started exercising our brains.

Required Viewing

Why aren't you watching Upright Citizen's Brigade?

(one of these days I will learn to embed youtube videos. that day is not today. my html skills are sooooo five years ago)

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Uh, I haven't written in here for a while. Basically, I used to have christymonster.com, and then I forgot to renew the domain, and then some (allegedly) sketchy company bought the domain (because of that job search website by a similar name, it was ranked higher on the profitability scale by ) and then offered to sell it to me for 600$. I may be crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to pay that much money for a website, even if I'm destined to own it. That's not even negotiable!

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The phrase of my life: "Uh, is that a good idea?"

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I ate anarchist breakfast this morning. I normally hate anarchists and sulk the entire time I'm in the restaurant, but my chiefly despised anarchist wasn't working this morning, so I had a much more pleasant experience than usual. The woman who took my order was very nice, and I liked that she's a random baker, too. (i like to look up recipes on the internet and then alter them to match the ingredients I have) It was also nice to see Gerry, who lives in Madison these days. I always hug him for longer than is appropriate, but he's a huggable guy. And we got to be good friends, even though he and all of his friends are misogynists. I guess that's just part of their charm.

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There are lots of parties lately... It's like it's the holiday season or something!