the monster says, "did i really just say that?"

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Decisions decisions

Sorry for missing blog for choice day. Here's my deal: you're Christian, right? You believe abortion is a sin, right? Here's the problem with that stance. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that legislation is the right solution for an end to sin. The bible also says that lust is a sin, but there is no way to legislate against lust (not that the christian conservative movement isn't trying, abstinence only sex education -- yeesh). If you are really committed to preventing abortion, pray for those who don't have the resources you have, better yet, volunteer at one of the many organisations that specialise in giving women who want another alternative the resources to figure out how exactly to do that. Making a law against abortion actually harms more than it helps. It prosecutes doctors who are trying to care for their pregnant patients, and it causes women who believe abortion to be their only option to find it in unsafe, unclean places. Abortion is not a choice I would make, but I will fight until my voice leaves me to keep it a choice for every other woman.

* * *

I've been a little distracted these days because I found out on Sunday that my bigot boyfriend wasn't divorced like he said. Also, not only was he still legally married, he was still sleeping with his (ex?) wife. So, now I have a decision to make: does lying about still being married and sexually involved necessitate castration, or just ex-communication? I'm not sure I have the balls (pardon the pun) for either, really. I mean, he's leaving for a country very, very far away in a matter of months (weeks?), so can't I let it continue? I think my heart is broken, though, so I'm avoiding him whilst I deliberate.

I'm also unsure how to proceed because I sort of saw this coming. I mean, I didn't really (who can?), but when we first got together, I asked him if he was sure he wasn't married, and I just never let it go. It even became a joke between us, like he would say he needed to leave to get back to his wife and kids. So, the real question is, when am I going to stop falling for men who can lie to me, to my face, for as long as they can avoid telling the truth?

* * *

Also, I beat Zelda: Twilight Princess last night. It was *awesome*.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Important

the most important essay on rape you need to read today.

Yes, it is that fucking bad.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Unironic

My friend Rupa found it very funny that I have a box of hamburger helper but no hamburger. She alluded to Alanis Morrisette. I wish she wouldn't do that.

* * *

I am up to surprisingly much. Ahorita, I'm sick and about to head out to a bar to see a friend's band play, so I can't write all about it.

The most important part, for me, anyway, is that I have somehow ended up in a very sexy relationship with someone who works in the shop at work. We have some things in common (our IQs are within one standard deviation, for one), but many many more things in uncommon (he is a half-hawaiian redneck who grew up in Arkansas). We get along great as long as neither of us brings up the war in Iraq. As it stands, I think we are each enjoying being with the other one until he leaves to fight the (good?) fight in iraq in two months. He volunteered to go back into active duty because he "hates civilian life." I try not to be disturbed by how many jokes he and Russ just coincidentally have in common -- in reference to me, that is. Russ would probably really enjoy Kevern's racist jokes, too, though.

Spending time with Kevern has made me think about all kinds of things I never planned to consider. Besides all the political stuff, I'm trying to reconcile my ideas about men, especially the southern ones, with the fact that he seems to like me and care about me and respect me. Have I mentioned that he's also smokin' hot?

It's the kind of relationship that's not going anywhere, and I keep reminding myself not to get attached, but I'm sort of the kind of person who gets attached. Even when I'm not supposed to. So, I find myself debating, not only because Kevern leaves the country (for 18 months!) in 2 months, but also because I question the prudence of allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who holds so many ideas I abhor close to his heart. We spend the night together and I can't sleep because I keep thinking, "I need to stop this. I need to stop this." But in the light of morning, I convince myself that it's simple: I like him. He likes me. We make each other laugh. We enjoy each other's comepany. And that's what it's all about, right?

There is a large portion of me which believes that the real reason I'm fighting anything happening between Kevern and me is that it means letting go of all the false ideas I used to have about relationships. I hate realising all the false perceptions I've had over the years. And if I had a nickel for every time he called me just when I'd resigned myself to not hearing from him again. It's going to take a long time for all my crazy ideas about men to get reset. I have a feeling it's going to take longer than two months. And I don't know if I'll be able to keep a lid on my "fake it till you make it" attitude enough to keep him from getting put off before then.