Unironic

My friend Rupa found it very funny that I have a box of hamburger helper but no hamburger. She alluded to Alanis Morrisette. I wish she wouldn't do that.

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I am up to surprisingly much. Ahorita, I'm sick and about to head out to a bar to see a friend's band play, so I can't write all about it.

The most important part, for me, anyway, is that I have somehow ended up in a very sexy relationship with someone who works in the shop at work. We have some things in common (our IQs are within one standard deviation, for one), but many many more things in uncommon (he is a half-hawaiian redneck who grew up in Arkansas). We get along great as long as neither of us brings up the war in Iraq. As it stands, I think we are each enjoying being with the other one until he leaves to fight the (good?) fight in iraq in two months. He volunteered to go back into active duty because he "hates civilian life." I try not to be disturbed by how many jokes he and Russ just coincidentally have in common -- in reference to me, that is. Russ would probably really enjoy Kevern's racist jokes, too, though.

Spending time with Kevern has made me think about all kinds of things I never planned to consider. Besides all the political stuff, I'm trying to reconcile my ideas about men, especially the southern ones, with the fact that he seems to like me and care about me and respect me. Have I mentioned that he's also smokin' hot?

It's the kind of relationship that's not going anywhere, and I keep reminding myself not to get attached, but I'm sort of the kind of person who gets attached. Even when I'm not supposed to. So, I find myself debating, not only because Kevern leaves the country (for 18 months!) in 2 months, but also because I question the prudence of allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who holds so many ideas I abhor close to his heart. We spend the night together and I can't sleep because I keep thinking, "I need to stop this. I need to stop this." But in the light of morning, I convince myself that it's simple: I like him. He likes me. We make each other laugh. We enjoy each other's comepany. And that's what it's all about, right?

There is a large portion of me which believes that the real reason I'm fighting anything happening between Kevern and me is that it means letting go of all the false ideas I used to have about relationships. I hate realising all the false perceptions I've had over the years. And if I had a nickel for every time he called me just when I'd resigned myself to not hearing from him again. It's going to take a long time for all my crazy ideas about men to get reset. I have a feeling it's going to take longer than two months. And I don't know if I'll be able to keep a lid on my "fake it till you make it" attitude enough to keep him from getting put off before then.