Harumph

Sigh.. I suppose I should have known that I couldn't pull it off. There was nothing with Russ last night, because he cancelled. For an entirely sketchy/lame/questionable reason. My voice sounded tight when I called him later to offer hanging out tonight, and I was too bratty in my voice mail today asking him if he was busy tonight doing the same thing as last night. Sigh.. I'm gonna avoid him tomorrow and hope the long weekend cures my bruised pride.

I need a new hobby. Chasing boys doesn't satisfy like it used to.

Banshee in my blood

Because the only thing better than being in trouble is being in big trouble, I asked Russ out last night. He said yes, and we now have plans to drink a beer together Wed. If I said that I was freaking out a bit, I would be making my biggest understatement yet. It's a very strange feeling; I'm vacillating between freaking out and talking myself out of calling and cancelling, and freaking out and talking myself out of fantasizing extended sexual encounters with him.

Oh, yes, I'm definitely in trouble.

I didn't call him once today, which I don't think I've done since maybe week 2. Freaked out as I am about even contemplating having an inter-office romance (and besides the hourly employees that I made out with when I was in LA, I've really never had one), I'm more freaked out by the possibility of my boss figuring out what's going on and firing one or both of us. I'm sure it doesn't help that I can't find my employee handbook anywhere and I don't know if the contract I signed explicitly forbids dating or not. Ok, I just found it and they don't say anything about inter-office dating.

So... The reason I decided to make such a potentially self-destructive move: on Friday, I called Russ to ask him a question on one of my projects. He picked that time to tell me to call someone else, to press me into admitting that I just call him to talk to him (which is true, of course, but i'm certainly not going to admit it over his speakerphone) and I was sorta crazied up (Friday afternoon at a job like mine, and you would be, too) so I mumbled, "You're not the boss of me." and he replied, "Yes, I am!" so I said, "No, you really aren't." and he said, "Not even for the afternoon?" in this wheedling voice. And, holy shit, being bossed around is one of my biggest turn-ons, and Russ is one of my biggest turn-ons, so that was the end of it, basically. I called him yesterday and asked if he wanted to go for a beer sometime, and he answered with, "When?" The answer: Wednesday.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! After we got off the phone, I rolled around on the floor, shrieking. I have the self-control of a Buddhist.

Oopsie

Hm, I haven't updated in a while. My computer is still not fixed; partly because I think it's a crying shame to pay 160$ for something I'm certain my engineer brain should be able to fix. Also because I seem to have a newly discovered inability to spend within my means, and my paychecks are gone moments after I receive them. If only I could be as thrifty in the last 3 days of my pay period when my account is overdrawn and I have no money for gas, food, or beer as I am during the first week and a half, before I realise I've overextended my funds, yet again.

I can still run my computer in safe mode, but there aren't any viruses on it (which apparently safe mode isn't intended to protect you from, in the first place). For the first couple of weeks, the wallpaper was plain black, with an annotation in each corner saying, "Running in safe mode" (hey, thanks for the reminder!). Now, there are very fine, blue streaks running vertically down my screen, which might mean that the problem really was the RAM (or that i'm about to become acquainted with the matrix), like some guy I talked to about it said, and my last bits of RAM are about to be killt. I wonder how long I can survive without any computer besides my work computer.

I'm sort of in a rut, despite having a date this Saturday. Meh, I'm really not that into him. And I sort of resent how all my friends seem to be getting concerned that I'm not dating anyone. Even my friend Kehla, who went about a year and a half without dating anyone for any length of time, brought up how summer is for flirting with cute boys. To that, I say, "I'll date when I'm good and ready... And when I meet a boy who's worthy of my affections."

My birthday was a week ago, which I enjoyed. I tried to milk it for a whole week, but only managed about 3 days before I just wanted to go back to normal: letting other people call the shots is sort of my thing. Of course, that gets me in trouble when the chain mail making guy at my party takes a shine to me. (ok, ok, i flirted with him first. it's a terrible thing to have such a low opinion of oneself. you think you're worthless, so you flirt with anyone who looks at you, and end up inadvertently hurting a lot of feelings).

Someday my self-destructive tendencies will end.

Fact of the matter is

I'm not. Even though my friend beek hooked me up with free new antivirus software, my computer won't even boot up normally. It is a very strange sensation to be so free of the computer after years of being addicted to using it.

That's not why I'm here, however. I'm here to talk about mistakes. (oh, yeah, this probably won't be very humorous, so if you're here for teh </geek> funny, wait a couple more days) The thing with mistakes is, it's a lot easier to recover from them when you're young. And they tend to have shorter-reaching consequences. If you have extenuating circumstances, however, you'll catch up really quickly. I think mistakes are like chickenpox: the later in life you have them, the more excruciating they are. But that doesn't mean they're not every bit of worthwhile.

And I'm happy for mine, for they have made me who I am.