Cheating gets it faster

I did a bad thing last weekend. Those of you who know me from my previous blogdentity may remember Nate, who was very sweet to me but we each had our issues and I couldn't overcome my feelings for Zach to be more than friends with Nate.

Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... After Russ blew me off two nights in a row, I was (and I think, rightfully so) more than a little freaked out. I did my usual scrolling through the numbers in my phone, noticing more names of people that I haven't spoken to in years than names of people I consider close friends, and I dialed Nate's number on a whim. He hadn't really spoken to me since I told him I couldn't pursue a relationship with him (i even ran into him at a grocery store and he tried to pretend like he didn't know me), but I call him every once in a while, figuring that everyone needs a friend sometimes.

So, he picked up, later explaining that he had lost my number and answered the phone because it wasn't anyone whose number he knew. We talked, and the conversation flowed freely like it did a year ago. An hour of chatting, and not even realising, I was inviting myself to watch The Dark Crystal with him (which i made fun of another boy for talking about it last weekend, ironically). So, we watched the movie, alone, at my apartment, and before I knew it, we were making out on my sofa.

I know it sounds naive, but I'm not always paying a lot of attention to what I'm doing, to my great chagrin.

And, you know, I was actually happy about kissing Nate. I thought that maybe I was getting a second chance with him. I should have been a little more concerned when he said, vaguely, that we were going to have to talk about "this" soon. When soon came, he told me that he had a girlfriend.

I thought it was okay, and we agreed that we wouldn't do anything again, but he spent the night, and he slept in my bed, and before I knew it, I was coming on to him. And, there it was, two nights in a row of being a homewrecker, even if only one of those nights was the knowing kind. And he kept saying that he was so glad for our second chance, but I knew it was the end of our chances.

But, because I'm me, I didn't realise this then, when I could have put a stop to the affectionate kisses and the frequent snuggles. So, he left, telling me he would be in touch, and I immediately realised that I couldn't follow through on my pillow promises.

Trying to put off the inevitable, or at least put it into the nicest words possible, I ignored his text message, telling me he missed me. He called me tonight when I was at dinner with my friend Katie, leaving a carefully casual voicemail. When I tried to explain what was going on with me, he got very angry and accused me of faking caring about his girlfriend.

We went back and forth, me trying to convince him that I thought he would be a perfectly wonderful boyfriend (which, in hindsight, probably not that convincing), and him telling me that I'd already said all I needed to say. I told him that I hoped he could forgive me, and that it wouldn't take as long as last time, and he said, "I'm taking your number out of my phone, and I don't ever want you to call me again. Thank you, Christy." I told him I would miss him, but hung up before he could say any more.

Moments later, I realised that I told him we couldn't date to punish myself for not having the willpower to send him home at the end of the night once I knew he was taken, and he told me never to speak to him again to punish himself for not being more forthright in the first place. Shit like this is why you don't date people with whom you have too much in common.

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In other news, my boss gave me a project that had four components I'd never designed before and said to have it done tomorrow. At first, I thought he was giving me more responsibility, but now I think he was punishing me for a) giving away the project he had given me last week, and 2) napping at my desk this morning. Oh, well, I like doing the really hard stuff best (hey, you know me! i like shit complicated!) so I'm happy with it anyway. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able to be quiet about how terrified I am that I'm doing a bad job.

Oh, yeah, and I can't seem to stop calling Russ stupid, even though I don't actually think that's true at all. If you need me, I'll be hiding under my bed.

(title of this entry comes from the jimmy eat world song "get it faster". I'm so emo it hurts)