the monster says, "did i really just say that?"

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-11-05T23:47:00.000-06:00

Shrug, whatever.

*goes back on hiatus*

defective

2009-11-03T00:06:00.003-06:00

Eh, so I spent all night worrying for nothing. I had a convenient excuse (and a legion of friends who don't answer or return phone calls) and saw the guy who has been keeping me up at night... Not in person, but he's all I can think about.

And, damn, I forgot how much mental energy I have. Especially being unemployed, let me just spend all my time worrying about this tiny thing or that tiny thing that will turn him off forever from me. It's exhausting. People ask me all the time why I'm single (hidden meaning: what's WRONG with you, anyway??), well, this is why. I don't know how to get past this feeling, to just let go of my fear of fucking up yet another relationship.

He asked me if I was a man-eater, while we were hanging out. As far as I can recall, no one's ever called me that before. So, for the last week, I've been asking myself, am I a man-eater? Is that what's wrong with me?

I think it must be a lot more complicated than that, although I am definitely driven by novelty and I also have an extreme need for spontaneity. But a man-eater? I guess I've always thought my problem was that I felt too much, never not enough. Well, there were a couple of times when I wished I could just get over the hump and like the guy who liked me so much, you know, when you meet those nice guys but they just don't do it for you, that way?

But, is that all I am? A succubus? A parasite?

I haven't read the Vonnegut book from whence this comes, but I guess he once wrote "You are who you pretend to be. So be careful who you pretend to be".

Overthinks herself into not sleeping and writing preemptive arguments on a defunct blog

2009-10-27T03:49:00.003-05:00

I think if we're gonna talk about flaws, my biggest flaw is probably overthinking things. Way too easy to misattribute this to that or the other thing. Also, I just think I'm so smart, if I just think about it long enough I'll be able to figure everyone out.

I played poker tonight, and did surprisingly well, considering I don't know what the hell I'm doing. There was a guy at the table who reminded me way too much of these guys I went to high school with. Ooh, I wanted to crush him like I used to crush those stupid boys in my Poli Sci class. I don't know if he got bored, got chivalrous, but at some point he refused to look at his cards and bet all his chips, saying he had to "go to a movie." I didn't win that hand, and I wouldn't have even if I hadn't folded after we each got our two (omg, I offended the shit out of the old-timers for constantly using the wrong language. I am also a really clumsy knock-as-checker, haha).

Then, I made it to the winner's table, where some other guy squashed me like a bug. Oh, well. I wish I could track down my old friend Jessica so I could bring her to poker with me.

* * *

So, I used to write somewhere else, and I usually talked about boys. Hey, what's a repressed/recovering Catholic to do, 20 years old and too shy for real friends but can still get dates? You know anyone who's too pretty for their own good? Now you do.

I loved my little corner of the internet and I would mock these guys (one lousy crappy date after another), and one of my guy friends was like, "You know, Christy, the guys you're dating probably read your blog" and I blew him off, like, no way, I take precautions, this that and the other thing.

I started blogging in 2002, when Google was a glimmer of what it is now. (btw, thanks, Google, for providing me a writing medium at blogger.com). These days, everyone is googling everyone. On some level, I've been waiting for karma to smack me in the face, 9 years later.

I haven't really written, online or anywhere else, for the past year or so. Partly, I was in a relationship that I knew no one would approve of (for some of that time anyway), partly the community was gone, partly I felt I'd grown out of it, and partly I was getting way fucking paranoid about what people were reading from the inside of my brain. I might write an entry feeling pissy or just sassier than normal and end up hurting someone's feelings 2 years later. It's a really weird experience: I have a good memory and I used to try and keep track of all my entries, but that would be ~1500 pages of writing about now. Damn, I'm like the Shakespeare of bloggers, go me. Anyway, so someone calls me up* and says "i can't believe you said this" and I'm like "I couldn't have" and they're all "um, yeah you did, here's the hyperlink".

I used to have a blogging friend who would periodically delete all his entries, for the same reason (i think just general paranoia, he mostly talked about music which doesn't usually hurt people's feelings). For a while, he'd just start over, but I think he's given it up altogether by now. Thinking about what I've written over the years, I should probably delete a bunch of entries. But I don't, partly to remind myself how far I've come, or hope I've come, anyway -- fuck, and because I think it's just more honest. When they tell you "honesty is the best policy" they are usually lying. Still, I try to be honest, and look for other honest people to build our honest little utopia where everyone's feelings are hurt all the time.

I've always been really shy, even though I was a lot more friendly (i was appointed unofficial cheerleader/welcoming committee of my homeroom) in high school. There was this day in 7th grade when I was sitting, waiting for class to start. I pulled out a piece of gum, which I always liked to fold onto my tongue in thirds like they did in the commercials, and this other girl turns to me and says, "Why are you so perfect?" in this really accusing way. You know, and I'm sitting there, like, "what? all I'm doing is sitting here, chewing gum." I don't think I even said that; I probably just stared at her. I just never really got what the big deal was.

So, yeah, my archive is there as evidence that I'm not perfect. I'm not some golden messiah figure. See, you were expecting a goddess and instead you got a human being. Bummers. I'm nasty, moody, I judge people all the time, I'm a slob, but all I can do is all anyone can do... Keep on trying to do better, be true to myself and kind to other people.

* * *

Damn, my insomnia has me still awake when my neighbor is getting ready for work. I need a job.

* * *

I had this joke with some coworkers (actually, that one started with my older brother) where an object with excessive quality X would be mocked: "Needs more X!" (can you tell I love math?) Haha, for example, cigarette package: "needs more surgeon general's warnings!"

I just realised in the past week or so that these sarcastic statements make for perfect Facebook newsposts. Hold on one second while I trademark "Needs more X" before anyone else can get it!!!!!!!!!

*Note: This never actually happened, see title and first paragraph of this entry for more information. Also, people just stop talking to you if that happens.

latest doomsday scenario: bankrupted by our own idiocy

2009-03-29T11:31:00.004-05:00

There's this guy that I like, and I feel like he's judging me too harshly, but all I can seem to think of to say is, "You don't know me! You don't know what I've been through!" Like, wtf, am I living my life like I'm on Jerry Springer, or what?

I've decided that the "cool" game is super lame, and I look for genuine people, and I try to be as genuine as possible. I'm not into playing games. I don't like lying, I don't like being lied to, and if I can't trust a guy, I'm wasting my time talking to him in the first place.

* * *

OK, so there are some companies who are totally jumping on that "we're in a recession and I need to save all my money" zeitgeist in the US, all, "hey, you can save money by buying our product!"

I'm really curious to find out if the "save money by buying our product" will manage to replace the "buy everything! who cares if you don't have money, use your credit card!" zeitgeist, or if we are truly in a modal change. I wonder if people realise what this will mean for our country. When people are stingy in a macro sense, it means that everyone on the other side will have to work that much harder to make ends meet. Are we clever/productive/adaptable enough, as a nation, to accommodate that?

I sure hope so.

Inquire within

2009-03-02T21:00:00.002-06:00

I have always been a big fan of people who will call me on my bullshit. I'm not sure how much pseudo-psychology literature you waste *your* time reading, but we humans have this thing in our brains that keeps us from recognizing when we're full of shit.

It's called an *ego*.

Some people have larger egos, some smaller. Mine is rather large, and intimidates the weak-of-heart. Sorry about that. The other problem with trying to call someone on their bullshit is that sometimes you inadvertently engage the ego itself. Fighting anyone's ego, including your own, is a futile exercise: egos don't play fair.

* * *

There's just something so tragic about how people sometimes reject help when they finally receive it, just because they had to wait too long. Here's hoping you're better at taking hold of the outstretched hand than I.

livin' in a voyeur's paradise

2009-02-09T21:15:00.002-06:00

So, the bad news is, the bamboo slats my landlady bought to replace my venetian blinds are totally see-through.

The ~~good~~ weird... news is, I just noticed the people across the street have the exact same see-through slats.

* * *

I wanna know who's getting polled on this stimulus issue. POLL ME! I just watched Representative Mitch McConnell (what, I know their names, I'm supposed to remember which state? He's the Minority leader) hem and haw about the "marketplace of ideas" that is, if they aren't buying, President Obama will keep lowering the price. "We could spend half that and get a really decent stimulus package."

They're just being petulant jerks. What they do not realise is that every day, we lose more jobs. Every day, this recession gets a little harder to get out of. Because that's what every layoff means. People warn that Japan has thrown stimulus after stimulus at its citizens and they're still in a recession. Japan WAITED.

There's a stimulus window. If we wait too long, it will be too late.

I admit it

2008-03-02T10:40:00.005-06:00

I have a serious thing for Salt n Pepa, and I still defend my love for them even though I've graduated from most of the other music that I listened to at the time. Considering what SnP were, they started dialogue and provided an uplifting pro-women message in a mess of generic pop rap songs about gettin' it on.

Although I usually mock the hell out of any reality tv series, I was excited when I found out about SnP doing one. Although I never really thought about it, they sort of disappeared after their second album, and I wondered all of a sudden what happened to them.

I've only seen a couple of episodes because the new ones appear to be on Friday night
and I am WAY too cool for that biz, and the reruns are on Saturday afternoons when I'm usually either cleaning or working out or developing yet another hare-brained scheme to save the world.

But I watched an episode a few weeks ago that I wanted to talk about, especially given the way I believe/hope that conversations have changed as a result of the Democratic Party offering up two minority candidates for the highest office in the US.

Salt and Pepa agree to march for Jena 6 (linky linky linky), and Salt (who recovered from bulimia by finding Jesus and has since gotten married and started a family) brought her 8-year-old son along on the march. Somewhere along the way, he asked what a noose was, and Salt said, "Well, white people used to hang black people from them." I was horrified, and at the same time, I realised just how "white" I am: I have the luxury of feeling horrified. Learning what a noose was, learning how a white man can be provoked into using it on me, this was not something my parents ever needed to educate me about. But not so long ago, that was true for black people in our country, and we do ourselves a tremendous disservice to pretend that those days are gone and we've achieved equality. In a way, it denies the same humanity to which we claim everyone has a similar right.

I deeply resent those who suggest that based on my status as a woman, I am obligated to support Hillary Rodham Clinton. I live in a mostly post-feminist world: my mom was a raging feminist in the 70s (as much as a bashful Norwegian musician would be) and she raised me to have faith in my own talents and abilities, however others might judge me for my talents and abilities (sometimes, i think my attempts at licentiousness are way too subtle). I have an engineering degree and for the most part I've been immune to the discrimination horror stories that I heard from other women in similar industries. All the same, I've long maintained an attitude of pity towards those who would judge me for my gender, because I believe myself to be quite qualified as an engineer. That sense of pity doesn't stop me from pouncing on anti-woman ideas and emasculating the man in the same way he fears women will (sometimes I think the typical white man sees minorities or women as a pest or a threat, I want to tell them we're more afraid of them than they are of us, but instead I play into that reason for fear. it's homeopathic). I see it as my obligation to support women who are fighting gender roles in their choice of careers (I have a friend who wants to be a superhero comic book artist, which is a profession which may even have a worse male-to-female ratio than engineering), but there's more to the office of president than just defying gender roles.

In the world of spin that is politics, it is difficult to see who is ever telling the truth. But all my instincts tell me that she is at best, so battered from the Republican smear machine that she has lost her soul, and at worst, a fucking opportunist. Either way, I don't think she is fit for the highest office in our nation, and I don't give a flying fuck whether we share plumbing.

I know we have a problem with gender in this country (stay tuned for an entry about that) but electing a woman into office isn't going to "make the skies open" for women across the country. Anyone who believes that is as delusional as those who think if we elect Obama the country will suddenly right itself and we will use renewable energy and our economy will quickly rebound into another boom and racism will cease to exist, or those who think that if we elect McCain our disastrously managed wars will magically right themselves. There is not a single problem in this world that can be solved without the efforts of many.

Stop calling Hillary Rodham Clinton a bitch!

2008-01-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

I am so angry with the people who insist on referring to HRC (heh, i didn't realise that's what her initials spell) as "the bitch."

I'm going to preface this by saying that I don't think she's the best candidate out there, and I would prefer it if she didn't win the Democratic nomination. (in order not to compromise my legitimacy... this world depresses me) However, when someone says "People seriously admire that bitch hillary? Please...not even feminists want her as president. She's that classic kind of bitch where she's only good to you as long as you're good to her, and changes her opinion like she changes underwear, to make sure that the majority are good to her." (edited to include correct capitalization and grammar. run-on sentence left for mockery's sake) in response to results of a gallup poll giving President Bush and Rodham-Clinton as the most admired people in the US...

Why do people hate Hillary so much? Sure, she's a little stiff, but so was Al Gore, so was Bob Dole, and no one was referring to either of them as "the asshole." She is a politician, and I believe she is quite good at what she does. She has done a lot of good work in the Senate, and she deserves our respect. Maybe she doesn't remind you of your mother, but we do not elect our president to breastfeed us, we elect our president to run our country.

The worst part about all this petty nastiness must be hearing other women spout this misogynistic hatred. Look inside yourself and look at the facts: Hillary Rodham Clinton is not the girl who stood you up for your junior prom, she's not your absent mother, she's not the girl who stole your high school sweetheart, she's one of the Democratic presidential candidates. If you're going to insist that I refer to our dunce of a president as President Bush, you'd better be willing to treat those individuals seeking the office of the president with the respect their qualifications render them.

Destruction

2007-12-28T23:42:00.000-06:00

I took a class while I was in college. It was a literature course, and its emphasis was on mysteries. We read The Maltese Falcon, Devil in a Blue Dress, various others. One book that we read had to do with the Cherokee (the tribe that was forcibly ejected from Georgia in what is now known as the Trail of Tears) as they lived in Oklahoma (on land that had oil on it... i'm sure you can see where this is going).

I've always loved learning about Native Americans... There is something about the pastoral nature of the way they lived, the way they lived in balance with the Earth... It is very Christyan.

One of the concepts that the book discussed was that suicide doesn't exist in the tribe. The tribe was a community and they supported each other. Depression happened, but they helped one another through their hardships. Suicide was a "Western" concept. I found myself thinking today about how it is the ultimate sin for a Catholic to commit suicide, but that the thought of suffering in hell for all eternity doesn't seem to act as much of a deterrent to those who are set on ending their lives.

It makes you wonder what made the colonists think they were more civilized. Scalping is crude and disgusting, sure; Europeans used to leave heads of executed criminals in the town square, to serve as a deterrent to those considering breaking the law. Criminals in the early US (and for decades and decades afterward) were hung in the gallows... Witches were burned at the stake or drowned. We legislate against cruel and unusual punishment and employ it on a daily basis.

Is it human nature to destroy others in an effort to raise oneself up?

* * *

I want a t-shirt that says "hypocrite." I think it would be good for my sense of self.

The choices that make us who we are

2007-12-18T18:38:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been sad to realise that I'm not compatible with someone I really like as a result of the choices I've made in my life. It's made me think about how much of my identity means anything to me. How much of myself I recognise when I look in the mirror. The truth is, it isn't very much.

I'm sure part of the reason for this is my upbringing. I read a great article that alluded to "the false self" which is a persona that one creates in order to receive their parents' approval. Evolutionarily speaking, parental approval was necessary for survival, and I failed to realise how far we'd come since being hunters and gatherers when seeking the approval of my parents. And partly, I was just too young to be able to recognize my father's inability to recognise my unique gifts and talents and abilities as "enough." Now that I've matured a little, I see those same traits in me: an ex of mine put it well when he said, "That's good. Stay hungry."

Well, I've done an excellent job of staying hungry. I'm so hungry, in fact, that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be full.

How many of my choices came from my inability to be satisfied with my life? It's hard to say. But how much of it was rebellion against my dad, staying friends with Amber, my first cigarette at 14, all that other shit I did as her "friend," the boys I chose to date that made my friends and family shake their heads and ask as delicately as possible, "Why do you like him?"

I've had a major introduction into what I look for in a man in the last year, much of which has been healthy development. After all, it is good to finally understand what makes a man appealing, no?

But even now, how often am I afraid to be who I am? How often do I need someone else's help to break out of my false persona and be myself? How often do I hide out of foolish pride?

I can't help but be frustrated, fighting to love myself through the last five years, and watching my gains swallowed up, again and again, by that old demon of mine, backsliding. (bless that OCD) So, again, I find myself, fighting and arguing with myself for self-acceptance; I'm picking myself up, yet again, and forging a stronger being to replace the one destroyed yet again.

Man, is this getting old.

* * *

If I could do just one thing in my lifetime, I would convince the Christian voters of this nation that voting against your religious beliefs doesn't not make you a "bad" Christian. I would challenge everyone who fears the judgement of their faith leader (isn't that what this is about? oh... you answer to someone else? weird) to go to one of those websites that allows you to pick where you stand on the issues, and then lets you know which presidential candidate with whom you are most aligned. I would challenge them to pick the issues based on the relevant passages of their preferred religious text, and see where their "[insert faith here]-friendly" candidates fall out. Voting for a candidate who is not pro-choice is no worse for your standing with god than voting for a candidate who wants to cut taxes for the rich. Faith has no place in politics, and as long as you allow your faith leaders to make you think you can't make your own decisions, we will not have a democracy. We will have a miedocracy (i realise i'm mixing my latin and greek roots, but it means "ruled by fear"). Don't let your instincts be exploited anymore.

I know free will is a scary thought, folks, but it's time we started exercising our brains.

Required Viewing

2007-12-16T18:48:00.000-06:00

Why aren't you watching Upright Citizen's Brigade?

(one of these days I will learn to embed youtube videos. that day is not today. my html skills are sooooo five years ago)

* * *

Uh, I haven't written in here for a while. Basically, I used to have christymonster.com, and then I forgot to renew the domain, and then some (allegedly) sketchy company bought the domain (because of that job search website by a similar name, it was ranked higher on the profitability scale by ) and then offered to sell it to me for 600$. I may be crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to pay that much money for a website, even if I'm destined to own it. That's not even negotiable!

* * *

The phrase of my life: "Uh, is that a good idea?"

* * *

I ate anarchist breakfast this morning. I normally hate anarchists and sulk the entire time I'm in the restaurant, but my chiefly despised anarchist wasn't working this morning, so I had a much more pleasant experience than usual. The woman who took my order was very nice, and I liked that she's a random baker, too. (i like to look up recipes on the internet and then alter them to match the ingredients I have) It was also nice to see Gerry, who lives in Madison these days. I always hug him for longer than is appropriate, but he's a huggable guy. And we got to be good friends, even though he and all of his friends are misogynists. I guess that's just part of their charm.

* * *

There are lots of parties lately... It's like it's the holiday season or something!

Decisions decisions

2007-01-23T18:20:00.000-06:00

Sorry for missing blog for choice day. Here's my deal: you're Christian, right? You believe abortion is a sin, right? Here's the problem with that stance. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that legislation is the right solution for an end to sin. The bible also says that lust is a sin, but there is no way to legislate against lust (not that the christian conservative movement isn't trying, abstinence only sex education -- yeesh). If you are really committed to preventing abortion, pray for those who don't have the resources you have, better yet, volunteer at one of the many organisations that specialise in giving women who want another alternative the resources to figure out how exactly to do that. Making a law against abortion actually harms more than it helps. It prosecutes doctors who are trying to care for their pregnant patients, and it causes women who believe abortion to be their only option to find it in unsafe, unclean places. Abortion is not a choice I would make, but I will fight until my voice leaves me to keep it a choice for every other woman.

* * *

I've been a little distracted these days because I found out on Sunday that my bigot boyfriend wasn't divorced like he said. Also, not only was he still legally married, he was still sleeping with his (ex?) wife. So, now I have a decision to make: does lying about still being married and sexually involved necessitate castration, or just ex-communication? I'm not sure I have the balls (pardon the pun) for either, really. I mean, he's leaving for a country very, very far away in a matter of months (weeks?), so can't I let it continue? I think my heart is broken, though, so I'm avoiding him whilst I deliberate.

I'm also unsure how to proceed because I sort of saw this coming. I mean, I didn't really (who can?), but when we first got together, I asked him if he was sure he wasn't married, and I just never let it go. It even became a joke between us, like he would say he needed to leave to get back to his wife and kids. So, the real question is, when am I going to stop falling for men who can lie to me, to my face, for as long as they can avoid telling the truth?

* * *

Also, I beat Zelda: Twilight Princess last night. It was *awesome*.

Important

2007-01-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

the most important essay on rape you need to read today.

Yes, it is that fucking bad.

Unironic

2007-01-07T20:00:00.000-06:00

My friend Rupa found it very funny that I have a box of hamburger helper but no hamburger. She alluded to Alanis Morrisette. I wish she wouldn't do that.

* * *

I am up to surprisingly much. Ahorita, I'm sick and about to head out to a bar to see a friend's band play, so I can't write all about it.

The most important part, for me, anyway, is that I have somehow ended up in a very sexy relationship with someone who works in the shop at work. We have some things in common (our IQs are within one standard deviation, for one), but many many more things in uncommon (he is a half-hawaiian redneck who grew up in Arkansas). We get along great as long as neither of us brings up the war in Iraq. As it stands, I think we are each enjoying being with the other one until he leaves to fight the (good?) fight in iraq in two months. He volunteered to go back into active duty because he "hates civilian life." I try not to be disturbed by how many jokes he and Russ just coincidentally have in common -- in reference to me, that is. Russ would probably really enjoy Kevern's racist jokes, too, though.

Spending time with Kevern has made me think about all kinds of things I never planned to consider. Besides all the political stuff, I'm trying to reconcile my ideas about men, especially the southern ones, with the fact that he seems to like me and care about me and respect me. Have I mentioned that he's also smokin' hot?

It's the kind of relationship that's not going anywhere, and I keep reminding myself not to get attached, but I'm sort of the kind of person who gets attached. Even when I'm not supposed to. So, I find myself debating, not only because Kevern leaves the country (for 18 months!) in 2 months, but also because I question the prudence of allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who holds so many ideas I abhor close to his heart. We spend the night together and I can't sleep because I keep thinking, "I need to stop this. I need to stop this." But in the light of morning, I convince myself that it's simple: I like him. He likes me. We make each other laugh. We enjoy each other's comepany. And that's what it's all about, right?

There is a large portion of me which believes that the real reason I'm fighting anything happening between Kevern and me is that it means letting go of all the false ideas I used to have about relationships. I hate realising all the false perceptions I've had over the years. And if I had a nickel for every time he called me just when I'd resigned myself to not hearing from him again. It's going to take a long time for all my crazy ideas about men to get reset. I have a feeling it's going to take longer than two months. And I don't know if I'll be able to keep a lid on my "fake it till you make it" attitude enough to keep him from getting put off before then.

full deck

2006-12-03T01:13:00.000-06:00

I have lots more to say than this, but all I want to say is:

I'm not playing with a full deck, but that doesn't stop me from getting frustrated when the same cards keep coming up.

h-apple ee to first base

2006-11-19T22:54:00.000-06:00

I'm lonely, but happy.

The getting divorced TA called... We had lunch last Wed. He's still legally married, still occasionally sleeping in his ex-wife's house, and doesn't seem to have any plan to get out of that situation soon. I would say that I'm going to take this one a little slow. He's fun to talk to, although I doubt that he'll be spontaneous enough to be happy with me, and I'm intimidated by his brains. Apparently, dating someone who could crush you with his brains isn't as fun as it sounds.

I saw Keverton Saturday at the thanksgiving party. I really like spending time with him, but he's still got some shit to sort through.

I had a non-boy reason for writing in here...

Oh yeah. Well, it is completely a boy reason, actually. I read a blogger who said she wanted galoshes and got a kitten from her boyfriend. The kitten stays at her place while the boyfriend is out of town, so she is basically the sole owner. Fine, right? Except she hates cats. This is just one of many reasons I'm happy I'm single.

"I've never dated a guy who bought a piece of jewelry that I liked."

I was feeling emo so I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this weekend. We love who we love; it's better to accept it and enjoy the ride. What does it tell you that none of my friends like the guys I decide I want to date?

all i want is my radio

2006-11-08T22:10:00.000-06:00

So(r), I hate talking on the phone. I have a really hard time focusing on anything for more than 10 seconds, and that's all talking on the phone is. I'm also not a very verbal person (if i had a nickel every time someone told me to get to the point) so I have a hard time following the conversation and contributing my own words.

I'm transitioning out of my dominant role at work and into another one, so my company is going to be hiring someone else to pick up the remaining submit-ness. I happened to talk to a school buddy of mine who was looking for a job, so I asked him if he was interested. He was, I asked my boss about it, and Mr. Boss man is going to look at his resume. Today at lunch, my boss asked if my friend was a friend or more than a friend (this is the kind of office I work in). I said, "Oh, just a friend," and then thought maybe I'd answered too hastily, so I added in my best ghetto latina, "My boyfriends have to find their own jobs." Then I figured my boss probably wasn't used to hearing such a thing (scandal!), so I said again, for emphasis, "All my boyfriends." My boss looked very amused as he said, "I heard you... but I wasn't going to say anything." I hope that guy laughs a little after I leave the room, because I think holding it in like he does is going to make him crazy. He probably is just still figuring out when I'm messing around.

So, the project that I spent so much time on last week and was ruining my life and burying me under backwork, and I had to do so much new stuff that I'd never had to do before... Came back today with only 8 more changes to make. Sure, it'll probably take my whole morning tomorrow, but most of it is controls stuff, which is my favorite.

I was sad, though, when the electricals guy came and said, "If you have more changes to make to that project, give them to me... That project is pretty complicated." He's definitely right, but I was sad about giving up work. I know, I'm weird, huh?

Russ called me annoying today. That was pretty funny, since all yesterday afternoon he kept calling me and just pushing buttons on the phone and holding them until I hung up. Kehla says I need to quit that nonsense, but I think it's fun, and my whole office is a bunch of "smarties," as the nurse who was at work today to give flu shots commented. Hehe. I'm making Russ a mix cd, but I don't want to give it to him. Think about THAT. He got rid of all the little things I gave him, but I don't know what that means.

The parking garage at my office is a big cavern, and I like to sing in there when no one else is around. I walked out and immediately started singing, and there was a forklift operator walking in. He complimented me on my voice and said, "I know, too, I'm a musician!"

I headed out to the shop and was measuring the air velocity across some condenser coils (NERD!), and I was singing to myself (etta james is brilliant), and the one who wires the electricals yelled, "What are you DOING?" I whipped my head around, all ready to be chastised, because that guy is pretty picky, but he was laughing. Apparently most people don't sing to themselves while they work. Another guy grinned at me and said, "I admit it, I heard you, too." I sort of have a crush on that one. (bad idea bad idea bad idea)

The TA that I have so many hots for called me finally last Thursday, but he really only wanted to tell me he wasn't interested. I'm still in denial, I called him tonight to tell him I think it's silly for him not to be my friend just because he's getting divorced. I'm just disappointed because I wanted to tell him all about how I'm superpositioning my numbers on my condenser coil experiments. That's an inside joke that he probably won't get.

I called my friend (the one who might get a job at my place) and we were talking about how I'm an easy laugher, and he said how he likes talking to me because he feels like he's really funny, but then he tries to joke with someone else and they can't dig it, so he says, "Screw you, I'm going to go talk to Christy some more." I thought it was funny, so now I'm telling you about it.

The problem with blogs is that sometimes you forget there are all kinds of people who could be reading it.

Boystream

2006-11-01T22:07:00.000-06:00

Hum, feeling very emo lately. There's lots of good stuff going on, though.

I'm transitioning out of my current job and into a different section (controls, whee!) I'm getting growing pains, though, figuring out electricals and trying to logic my way through controls in addition to my current job is a little much. And I've been getting shit on with revisions to do.

Last weekend, I went to a show with the guys from my old house. At the show, I saw my old TA from my favorite class at the U. I had so many hots for him at the time (mainly due to his gynormous brains), I couldn't resist going up to say hi. I walked up to him and two other people (sidenote: I'd heard that he was married and I didn't know if one of them was his wife), and said, "Hi!" He answered, his usual flatline, "Hello." I asked, "How are you?" He said, "Good," and went right back to talking about whatever he'd been talking about. I figured it was probably par for the course, and it was certainly possible (even likely) that I didn't make the same impression on him that he made on me, so I headed back to my friends.

Halfway through the show, he came over and chided me gently, saying I should have (could have?) come and talked to them. We talked and laughed through the rest of the show (not that I noticed after he came over to talk to me), and finally he left with the two people he'd been talking to earlier (she wasn't his wife, but his friend's). I turned to Josh and swooned. He encouraged me to ask for Mark's number (poor dear, how long will he wait in the wings?), so I ran down the stairs. I don't think he looked behind to see me, but somehow, his friends headed forward and he hung behind.

I said, "Umm, can I call you sometime?" and he answered, "Maybe?" I'm sure I must have looked dreadfully confused, and after a rather uncomfortable look from him, he said, "Well, I'm interested, but I'm going through a divorce, isn't that sort of a turn-off?" I felt immediately guilty for daring to feel rejected, and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" I thought about it a minute more, and said, "Well... Maybe we could start as friends, and see where it goes from there."

We exchanged numbers, and he complimented me on mine ("that's a cool number" heh, nerds are awesome), calling me a smart girl (eep! eep! dinosaur ta called me smart!). I called him two days later (two days now past), and he hasn't called back. I'm doing my best not to be too disappointed. Truthfully, he's not really even a human in my mind, the same way that Jonny wasn't (sorry, reference new readers won't get). Having such unrealistic expectations of him probably wouldn't work for either of us.

I'm the sort of person who can't leave well enough alone, but since I barely managed to call him in the first place (I sat there for 5 minutes with my thumb on the "send" button, saying to myself, "come on, christy, you can do it."), and then I left a voicemail talking about laundry (LAUNDRY!), I don't think I'll call him again.

This is the email I've been refining in my head the last two days:

Subject line: Being Introverted

...means taking two days to realise that what I should have said was, "Not as much of a turn off as still being married!" I'm doing my best not to read into the lack of response, since you probably just decided you weren't quite ready to move on from your marriage yet. I haven't experienced it, but I'm sure it's quite difficult. Just so you know, the explanation gets easier with time. Never been divorced, but have had some skeletons of my own over the years. Please call if you change your mind, but make it sooner than later, I can't make promises, though I wish I could.

I wish you all the best and it was really wonderful seeing you last weekend.

Christy

* * *

Hope your halloween was excellent.

So, what's up?

2006-10-14T13:24:00.000-05:00

Weird, I could have sworn I hadn't updated in longer than a week. The days are passing by slowly these days, it seems. I went to a psychiatrist today (edit: by today, i mean last thursday. i been busy) to get some help for my OCD. I got put back on the vitamin Z (zoloft). I'm a little leery of SSRIs, but I know I need more than I can currently give myself.

Last weekend, I started off the interviewing process with my grandpa (on my father's side). It was tough, emotionally. He doesn't remember me at all, so he kept sitting down next to me and saying, "I need to remember who you are... What is your name? .... How old are you? ... Are you in school, or out? ... What do you do now?" It's disappointing both because it's made me realise that I have much less time than I thought I would with him, and because I was hoping that this interview process would give me a chance to develop a real relationship with him. I remember so many family gatherings where I was too teenager to interact with him on a mature level, and it breaks my heart to know that we won't know each other that way.

* * *

I fired Russ yesterday. His teasing sorta shifted to being quite a bit more aggressive and really demeaning, and he also spent all day long telling everyone about the date he was going on that night and clamming up whenever I walked into the room. I don't know; I totally adore him, but stick two five year olds in a room together and they're going to draw blood about 75% of the time.

* * *

I played dodgeball last night. My arms are sore today. I'm such a sissy.

* * *

The Football Club met today for the first time in a couple of weeks (Eurofinals these past couple of weeks). My Arses (aka Arsenal Gunners) won 3-0. It was a giveaway game; the other team hadn't won a game in 6 years. Poor guys. KEverton made waffles and brought blackberries and strawberries and Redi-Whip. I forgot to buy more creamer, but Timmy didn't make too much fuss about taking his last cup of coffee with skim. My kitten was glad for the extra playmates.

* * *

I locked my keys in my car Thursday morning. I was two hours late to work. It sucked balls. The best part is, I almost did it again when I stopped at a gas station. No, Christy, leave the door unlocked.

* * *

I haven't read any books in weeks. I should probably get on that.

* * *

I'm really excited to see Little Miss Sunshine, the Departed, and Man of the Year.

destiny -> office

2006-10-04T21:53:00.000-05:00

Today, I went to see the Twins play in the playoffs. It should have been their shining moment, but they sorta got their butts kicked. I'm pretty disappointed, I hope they can put on a better showing in Oakland.

Our seats were... a little far. One of my coworkers was wondering if the curtains come up to allow a little more seating. I can say yes, because we would have been behind those curtains otherwise. But it was a playoffs game! There were 55,000 people there, yelling and chanting and excited. I bounced in my seat most of the time. I get a little excited sometimes.

I also met a boy in the bleachers. He's an engineer, too, what are the odds? Kehla put my number on a piece of paper to get me to pass it to him (see? I told you I was shyer than you thought I was). He has amazing crinkly eyes. And flirty and nice, too. Aces.

After the game, Keh and I went and bought cigarettes and pizza, and at the convenience store a guy asked me what my tattoo was. (I was wearing droopy pants today) I answered, "Well, I wanted it to be 'destiny,' but it actually says 'office.'" He laughed and wished me a good day.

Return (loosen up my buttons baby) Plus - I should write all my blog entries while drinking whiskey

2006-10-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

Hi kids. I got my sweet new apple laptop weeks ago, but haven't had time, or felt like, updating. Maybe blogging isn't fun for me anymore. Or, maybe I'm just in a low blogging mood, and I'll rebound in a while. Usually talking about how I don't want to blog anymore does the trick.

Let's see, lots of things are new. First off, I got myself an iPod to match my shiny new apple. It's engraved on the back with "christymonster say play at your own risk." Hopefully this blog will last as long as my iPod does so anyone who finds it and tries to return it to the respective owner (does that even happen?) will have an easy go of it.

Part of my rationalisation for buying a laptop includes interviewing my dad's dad, who is in the process of succombing to dementia, before all his delicious brains get eaten up by old age. I'm making my first trip down to blossoming steppe this weekend. I'm a little nervous, especially because my dad can no longer make the trip and I've never hung out with my grandparents without someone else present. They're wonderful people; I'm not worried; I'm just... nervous. I'm more shy than people think I am.

I met a new boy a week ago. He is nice, geeky, into music and men's movies (Apocalypse Now, anyone?). He wears chucks every day I've seen him (4 and counting). I stopped by on Sunday night to give him my number (he'd asked me out Friday and hadn't asked for it... why do guys DO that all the time?) but he was there. I watched Star Wars 4 with him and his roommate. His name is Kit (what the hell kind of name is Kit?). OH yeah, and I said that R2D2 was just like an iPod and his geekier roommate got really pissed. Poking people is fun. We joke about me being a zombie. We kissed for a long time. I was impressed by his stamina but couldn't stop wishing he was Russ.

Oh, oh, also, I totally got Kit's name wrong. I'm still not sure I have it right. Kit, Kip, huh? ANYWAY, I totally wrote him a post-it with my number on it, and got his name wrong. He hung out with me all Monday night before telling me. Damn.

Speaking of Russ, he bugs the hell out of me. When I first started working there, I debated over whether or not to make a move, and concluded that he was going to bug the hell out of me in 6 months, so I wouldn't bother. Then I decided I couldn't resist, but I think he'd changed his mind about me in the meantime. Also, I'm a little crazy. I think he probably is, too. So... bugging part. Today, we all went out for lunch to watch part of the Twins game (they lost, pout pout pout) and Russ and I ended up sitting next to each other, even though I tried to sit three tables away (I'm a little bit ditzy lately, that's all I'll say about that). He ordered coke and water, and I ordered cherry coke and water (the bar where we were doesn't do free refills, and I like to stay hydrated). He called me a loser and said, "Why do you always copy me? I'm not even that cool." in this totally pouty voice. Goddamnit, I can't believe I found another asshole with an inferiority complex. That is the last straw. Straight assholes, I can handle, but this passive aggressive shit is driving me crazy. He throws his caramel candy wrappers on the floor of my cube and I want to tell him to go away, but I miss him when he doesn't. Boys suck.

Speaking of going crazy, I went back to therapy. I've had a couple of compulsions pop up that I haven't struggled with in a long while, so I figure it's best to get these things taken care of before I go bald and suffocate on my garbage (I can't clean when I get too OCD because I can't bring myself to do a chore unless I can go all in. I hate doing laundry with any leftover dirty clothes, i hate cleaning my room if i can't go through every last bit of garbage and thinking about it -- and who has time for that shit?). And, then, you know, there's that whole Autofin thing, and the J thing, and the fact that I vacillate between letting guys get away with anything and not letting them even knock on the door. Yeah, I'm sorta damaged goods. I am also pretty freaked out by working and having to claim my therapist appointments. Even though mom reassures me that no one can question it, HIPAA and all, I'm not really the type to hold anything back, and I hate-hate-hate lying, and I dread leaving early because everyone notices, and I dread being asked. The woman at work whom I adore and I hope I can be half as cool as when I'm her age asked me about my doctor's appointments, suggesting that I'd accidentally made the appointment recurring on the company calendar. Wish that was all, lady. When I tell her to have a good night and say I'm leaving for a doctor's appt, she shrugs her shoulders as if to say, "I thought we'd kicked that by now!" I told Russ the (partial) truth when he asked. On the advice of my therapist, OCD is a glamourous mental illness.

My favorite line from tonight's Veronica Mars ep: "Look at her! She's like boy-nip." Goddamn, I need some boy-nip. My T&A just ain't cutting it anymore. Also, I realised that I totally squandered my college experience. Why didn't I go to school in LA? I could have laid out every day while I still had a slammin' bod, and I would have totally missed meeting J. Goddamn, I might still be skinny if I'd transferred to UCLA. Eh, who am I kidding? They have Fatburgers out there.

I found a gigantic spider on my laundry basket this morning. I shuffled it into a plastic bag and brought it outside, even though I had to put on a bathrobe over my naked body to do it. I'm a good hippy, what can I say?

Cigarettes and ice cream. That Rufus Wainwright is a pussy.

Really really broken!

2006-09-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

Hey kids.

My computer, after months of running in safe mode, finally kicked the cyber-bucket last week. The good news is that I'm joining the cult of Apple (ipod and everything) starting next week, but I won't be updating again until then.

(Man, a whole week of not having internet at my apartment. I made my brother come over last Sunday so I could czech my email, and now I'm at my radio station, post-meeting, mooching their internet. Oh, well, I give them money every year. Don't worry, though, I haven't gotten a social life yet.)

Squeal and Squeak

2006-08-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

I drive a Saturn, manual transmission car. It has four cylinders. Sometimes I hit the gas pedal a little harder than I need to or ought to, and my tires squeal. I giggle every time.

Yesterday, I told one of the salesguys at work that he'd offended me by calling me, "Giggly." And then I laughed so hard I hyperventilated.

When I meditate on my throat chakra, one of my mantras is, "I'm only as socially awkward as I think I am." I'm not sure it's working.

What I still can't figure out is why I don't go home sick when I get sick at work.

Nationalism

2006-08-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

Zach came by on his fixie and we walked to the store to buy me some cigarettes. I was wearing lazy-woman's jeans (saggy, holes in the butt) and the shopowner saw my tattoo, which is written in Arabic script.

He asked where I was from, because of my tattoo. I said, "Around here." So he asked where I got that word from.

I said, "It's from a book about a shepherd in Spain who sells his sheep because he has a dream that there is treasure in the Pyramids. Why, can you read it?"

"Yes. Maktab. Do you know what it means?"

"Maktub. Destiny or fate."

"No, it means 'office.'"

So, I asked him where he was from (I think my interpretation is only true among some Muslims, not the whole of the Arabic-speaking world). He said, "I'm from the oil." And I couldn't understand him, so I asked him to repeat himself. Then, I laughed and said, "I was looking for a country...?" He said, "I am Iraqi."

I said, "I hope you have a more positive view of your nationality when you aren't around Americans."

He confessed that he'd come here as a refugee ten years ago. He then said something very bitter which I couldn't understand. I said, "So, you don't support the war in Iraq?" in as droll a way as I could manage. He laughed bitterly and said no. I asked him if he was happy that Saddam Hussein was out of power. He said, "I'll tell you something. Saddam Hussein is still alive, and the men in my country are dying."

I wished him good care and left. I hope that ... we can fix what we've done.

Absentee ballot.

2006-08-26T15:58:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a while, huh?

For those of you wondering, I didn't die. Just been a little depressed, and had a few things happen that I couldn't talk about here. Besides that, I've been trying to put a little more of my life into my non-Internet life. And, my computer's still broken, so I don't get the same level of enjoyment out of it.

So, work is getting better, I think. I worry, though, I'm handling the new concepts pretty well, but I keep making sloppy mistakes. Like copying one line but forgetting to make both changes to update one unit's information. I bet typos just drive my boss nuts. I've always been a bit sloppy, it was just that I was right often enough that I didn't need to go over things one hundred times. Now, not so. So, I'm dealing with the blow to my ego of not knowing everything (can you believe it? and i'm 24!), and with having to do a lot of work over again, which just kills me.

Besides that, I worked out in the shop this week. I was really excited about it, but it was an old boy's club, and they left me to coat drain pans while my male counterparts got drills, electric screwdrivers, and roofs to assemble. And when I finished after about 2 hours, the guy sent me to lunch early and then only offered crushing boxes when I returned. I was so pissed off, I forgot to keep my thumb on the outside of my fist and sprained the thing punching out a box with copper staples in the bottom. I have a new appreciation for all the great things a functional thumb does for you.

I talked to the guy who manages production about working out in the shop some more (I'm gonna prove myself to those well-meaning chauvinists if it kills me! And, you know, it just might). Sounds like a good possibility I'll have another chance. I have been dreaming of caulk guns since I was 6.

The worst part about the day was that I knew everyone thought I was just pissed off because I got that shit in my hair. I hate being treated like a girl.

* * *

I started seeing someone. He's an old friend of my older bruvva's, which makes me more than a little nervous. I like him a lot, but I'm worried I'm not ready to try to make something happen with him. And it's only the second time we've hung out, but all my old insecurities are already bothering me.

* * *

I'm having lunch with my mom tomorrow. I had lunch with her a few weeks ago, and she mentioned that she always thought I didn't like her when I was young. It made me feel terrible, but I know that the reason for it is that I'm not always honest about my affections (I'm actually afraid to show affection, isn't that silly? My fear of rejection is absurd), and she has insecurities of her own. People say that kids never appreciate their parents until they have children of their own, but I'm doing my best to learn to before that happens. I think it's good for my soul.

I'm also hoping to interview my grandpa to learn about his life. He's a wonderful man, and I'm worried his mind is starting to fail. The only reason I hesitate is that I keep thinking I'll quit it after two weeks like I seem to be doing with everything these days. I think I'm being too hard on myself, though. If you're not failing, you aren't taking enough risks. And I think they would really enjoy hearing from me more. Would you think it was weird if I told you that I'm so unaccustomed to talking to other people that I don't even know what to say anymore?

* * *

I'm reading a great book right now. It's called, "Things Fall Apart," by Chinua Achebe. It was on my recommended books list in AP English, and the title appealed to me (I don't know if it's the source, but the book opens with a quote from one of my favorite poets, W. B. Yeats: "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."). This quote sums up the whole book for me:

"There were seven drums and they were arranged according to their sizes in a long wooden basket. Three men beat them with sticks, working feverishly from one drum to another. They were possessed by the spirit of the drums."

It's a beautiful, humble but not heavy, book. I have to go to Africa, I just love the way books set there read.

Oh, yeah, and my new boy was in the Peace Corps in Africa.

* * *

My football team lost today. And me, I've been following this club a week and I think about dropping them. It's just that I really thought this match was a sure deal. It just seemed like they couldn't keep any momentum going to the goal, like they were a bunch of ball hogs and everyone wanted to show off their ballhandling skills. That's great in the midfield, but when the whole field is compressed into the goalbox, you gotta learn to take your shots when you can get them. But hey, maybe Man City was doing a better job of covering Arsenal than it looked.

We had everyone over to my place for the match. I got over-ambitious and made omelettes for all 6 present, and it took so long that I missed half of my game. I got chided by Mary (also, who chides you for making them an omelette?), "Next time, we'll bring food and do the cooking. You can't be doing this every weekend." It was hard to argue, though, omelettes take a lot of mental energy and I was wiped. Weird, it's like I'm not a short order cook or something.

Mary's birthday party is tonight. It's a wine party, and wine gives me heartburn, so I'm going to bring Red Stripe ("Beer. Hooray beer!"), which I think is Mary's favorite beer. Hopefully I won't be kicked out for not being a conformer.

I hope my readers are doing well. Ken, thanks for the message. Got the email, you'll be getting one from me.

Or maybe just heat exhaustion

2006-07-31T18:01:00.000-05:00

I bought my kitten a cat tree. Hopefully, when it comes, she will stop eating my fern.

I think I'm in love. I feel sorta funny. No, it's not with my cat. Or with Russ. I'm as surprised as you are.

Speaking of Russ, I made him watch Amelie. Well, I brought it over to his cube like 3 weeks ago, and he finally gave it back today. He said, "It was ok... But by the end you're just like, "Ok, this girl is so introverted she can't even talk to people." If he only knew how much I'm like this girl...

Also, I'm not in love, I love everyone. My horoscope this week says, "You're charming, but your inability to make up your mind will confuse your suitors." And how!

I'm covered in mosquito bites and I had a terrible day at work but I'm still happy.

Ebay for OCD

2006-07-23T19:29:00.000-05:00

I'm grumpy today. For one, Russ is still confusing as ever, except with more bossy. I can't tell if he's trying to get me to be his gopher (go fer this, go fer that) just to see if he can, or if he's testing the waters for more bossing around (of the "take off your clothes" type). I'm torn, because it turns me on to be bossed around, but I don't necessarily want to advertise that. He also accused me of believing every word he says, and I don't, I just don't see the thrill in arguing with him over this shit.

In my experience, mixed messages mean non-interest, so I'm playing it as cool as I can. Which, for those of you who know me, is not very cool.

Also, I found out that my cat (the old one, not my new one) is dying, and Mom wants to put her to sleep... Sometime soon. That cat got me through middle school, you know? It's hard. I know it's time, because she can barely walk and her eyes have a vacant look to them, and it shouldn't matter to me because she hasn't been MY cat since I left for college 6 years ago. Still, another adjustment in a world of adjustments.

I went shopping today to get over my ennui, and also because it looks like I'm going to be in the black for the first time in a pay period since I got the new job (thank god, right?). I can't wait until I've paid my loans and have a little money to throw around. Of course, by then, I'll have a mortgage to worry about (you know, maybe, right?), but hopefully I'll be on stronger financial footing in just a few months. I can't wait to watch my money GROW.

I've been sick this week... I didn't mention that the double-skunking happened while I was experiencing a 99.6 degree fever. Why did I go into work, you ask? My rationale was, I've gone into work feeling worse of a hangover and was just fine, so I figured I'd be okay then, too. Also, I was feverish, so my decision-making abilities were probably not the best. I quickly checked over my work after my fever had come down, though, and it looked ok.

I signed up on an ebay auction for an iPod. I have all the normal email alerts, etc, but I'm still checking it obsessively to make sure I haven't been outbid.

I need to do laundry and I'm running out of time before bed. Good nights.

Stinky!

2006-07-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

I got a second "Good" this week from my boss. I got a job out by the friday that it was supposed to be released (which is a week later than it should have been, but I only had it for about 5 hours before it was supposed to be done in the first place), and when he came around to ask about what jobs I was working on and which ones I'd finished, he didn't believe me that it was done. "I thought I just got an email asking when it would be sent out?" "Oh, yeah, that was Thursday. I reviewed it with Adam Thursday and revised it and sent it out first thing Friday morning." Impressed nod to himself and "Good." I'm like a junkie for approval.

I had lunch with Russ today. We went to McD's (nothing but class!) and then came back to the lunchroom for cribbage. Our boss sat with us halfway through (awkward!), but it seemed pretty ok. We mostly talked about movies and TV, but it was good. Oh, yeah, also, I double-skunked Russ (which is like lapping someone around the board). My boss was so amused (apparently he'd never seen one, which i find hard to believe, but the enthusiasm in his voice was genuine) that he had the receptionist announce it over the PA. Poor Russ.

Chaos is the spice of life

2006-07-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

My boss told me I did a good job today on one of my projects (not even one of mine, it was someone else's that the customer wanted to change, but I caught a couple of MAJOR errors). That was the first time he'd said anything of the sort. I feel a bit giddy. Also, also, the level of chaos in my job increases the longer I work there. Without any extra effort on my part. This is great news!

I felt so giddy, in fact, that I invited Russ to lunch (he accepted, although somehow i ended up paying. hm.). I am, again, considering asking him to go see Capote on Sunday. However, I'm going to motha-fucking Madison! this weekend to visit my friend Theresa, so I'm probably going to be in no condition to sit on a roof and drink cheap champagne.

I started reading a new book this week. It's called, "A Secret History" by Donna Tartt. It's incredibly dense, referring to all kinds of Greek philosophy that I have barely heard of, and little bits of Greek and Latin mixed in conversationally. The woman is a genius, though, because it's still a quick read. Lucky me, too, because it's 524 pages long (eeps!). It's the first book I've read that wasn't about sex (or at least had a plot line around sex) in a while.

I'm silly, because I spend all day thinking about things I want to say to Russ, but when we're together I forget all of them and we just talk about whatever. I think I might like him. Uh-oh. I think I'm in trouble.

Here's a quote from my book:

I was waiting for a good moment to remember, suddenly, that I was late for an appointment, when Dr. Roland's friend Dr. Blind struggled up, beaming, leaning on his walker. Dr. Blind (pronounced "Blend") was about ninety years old and had taught, for the past fifty years, a course called Invariant Subspaces" which was noted for its monotony and virtually absolute unintelligibility, as well as for the fact that the final exam, as long as anyone could remember, had consisted of a single yes-or-no question. The question was three pages long but the answer was always "Yes." That was all you needed to know to pass Invariant Subspaces.

If my cat could type (and she can't, try as she might), she would tell you that she is very disturbed by how much I enjoy immersing myself in a large quantity of water. She tried to dip her paw in to investigate, but slipped and ended up with half a leg and half of her face in the water. She dragged herself back out by her hindlegs. I wish I could say I didn't laugh at her, but it was fucking hilarious.

Ok, enough about my cat. It's terrible; I swear I'm worse than some girls are about their boyfriends.

I haven't really seen or heard from Zach since he got a girlfriend. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was a bit of a relief, although I can't help wondering why on earth I tried so hard to get over my feelings for him when I knew he was just going to go gonzo about the first girl he really fell for and completely blow me off. I probably should have just kept fantasizing about him and never called him back last summer, then he'd be in love with me by now. Isn't that how boys work?

Actually, just kidding, I'd way rather be lusting after Russ than dating Zach. Wow, what a breakthrough!

I'm watching a show about making a building out of concrete and concrete alone (well, okay, there are some steel rods in there). It's more interesting than it sounds.

* * *

This is one of my favorite stories from the last few months:

I was at one of my radio station's gatherings, and we were talking about the rain (as we were sitting underneath a kq92 tent, haha), and one of the guys in attendance said something about how people in Los Angeles declare a state of emergency when rain falls like that. I knew it to be true, if a slight exaggeration, and I said, "You lived in L.A.?"

He stared at me blankly and said, "Yeah."

The guy sitting next to him chimed in and said, "Yeah, we both lived there, actually."

I couldn't quite get the chronology of it right (I thought he'd grown up around here!), so I pressed it. "Oh, I'm just asking because I lived in LA. Where were you living?"

I caught the, "Oh, shit" and finally one of them said, "Uh... Mulholland Drive?"

Five minutes later, another girl came to the party, and the three of us fooled her into thinking they were from California and that they'd known each other before working at the radio station. It was pretty awesome.

Also, I'm a bitch!

* * *

Oh yeah, and then I asked Russ what song I should sing at staraoke tomorrow night, and after interrogating me as to what the hell staraoke was, he told me, "Build Me Up, Buttercup." So, all afternoon I tried to figure out whether the "me" was me, or him. Um? I hate being a girl.

And, good night, I'm so tired.

* * *

(I put the most important statements last) I think that one of the worst feelings in the world is to feel like one of your best friends thinks you're a loser. Sucks to be her, though, I don't think I am!

Mystery men

2006-07-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm all kinds of crazied up because I called Russ last night and he never called me back. Granted, I called sort of late so maybe he thought I was just crazy? I have no idea. But I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, or maybe I'm not attracted to him anymore (ok, we all know that's not true) or maybe I'm just in a sort of funk after the fucked up shit that happened with Nate last week.

SO, I'm frustrated because I think his actions are terribly confusing and why is all this shit so confusing? And I think that if he liked me, I wouldn't be so confused but there seems to be an awful lot to be confused about, even if he did like me. Which I don't think he does.

But then he came over and interrogated me about some guy who gave me a fork wrapped in tinfoil (and, why the hell would he care if he weren't a little jealous?) which is so stupid because I'm not attracted to that guy in the slightest, although I'm a little jealous of how everyone is all comfortable with him and I get treated funny because I'm a GIRL. I never realised how hard it is to be one of only a few girls in the office.

Also, I don't laugh at Russ' jokes the way I laugh at everyone else's because I'm so freaked out by his presence so he thinks I like other guys, apparently. Why is this shit so complicated?

Also, I suck at ironing. It's a good thing I'm a feminist, because I would make a really lousy homemaker.

Also, aren't boy-neuroses fun? I think I come up with my best material when I'm crazied up over a boy.

Slugger

2006-07-11T07:06:00.000-05:00

Is my new nickname, because I knocked out a triple last night at softball. (w00t!)

Also, you know a word is overplayed when you hear my overweight, turbo-geek work neighbor say, "Oh, snap!"

Cheating gets it faster

2006-07-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

I did a bad thing last weekend. Those of you who know me from my previous blogdentity may remember Nate, who was very sweet to me but we each had our issues and I couldn't overcome my feelings for Zach to be more than friends with Nate.

Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... After Russ blew me off two nights in a row, I was (and I think, rightfully so) more than a little freaked out. I did my usual scrolling through the numbers in my phone, noticing more names of people that I haven't spoken to in years than names of people I consider close friends, and I dialed Nate's number on a whim. He hadn't really spoken to me since I told him I couldn't pursue a relationship with him (i even ran into him at a grocery store and he tried to pretend like he didn't know me), but I call him every once in a while, figuring that everyone needs a friend sometimes.

So, he picked up, later explaining that he had lost my number and answered the phone because it wasn't anyone whose number he knew. We talked, and the conversation flowed freely like it did a year ago. An hour of chatting, and not even realising, I was inviting myself to watch The Dark Crystal with him (which i made fun of another boy for talking about it last weekend, ironically). So, we watched the movie, alone, at my apartment, and before I knew it, we were making out on my sofa.

I know it sounds naive, but I'm not always paying a lot of attention to what I'm doing, to my great chagrin.

And, you know, I was actually happy about kissing Nate. I thought that maybe I was getting a second chance with him. I should have been a little more concerned when he said, vaguely, that we were going to have to talk about "this" soon. When soon came, he told me that he had a girlfriend.

I thought it was okay, and we agreed that we wouldn't do anything again, but he spent the night, and he slept in my bed, and before I knew it, I was coming on to him. And, there it was, two nights in a row of being a homewrecker, even if only one of those nights was the knowing kind. And he kept saying that he was so glad for our second chance, but I knew it was the end of our chances.

But, because I'm me, I didn't realise this then, when I could have put a stop to the affectionate kisses and the frequent snuggles. So, he left, telling me he would be in touch, and I immediately realised that I couldn't follow through on my pillow promises.

Trying to put off the inevitable, or at least put it into the nicest words possible, I ignored his text message, telling me he missed me. He called me tonight when I was at dinner with my friend Katie, leaving a carefully casual voicemail. When I tried to explain what was going on with me, he got very angry and accused me of faking caring about his girlfriend.

We went back and forth, me trying to convince him that I thought he would be a perfectly wonderful boyfriend (which, in hindsight, probably not that convincing), and him telling me that I'd already said all I needed to say. I told him that I hoped he could forgive me, and that it wouldn't take as long as last time, and he said, "I'm taking your number out of my phone, and I don't ever want you to call me again. Thank you, Christy." I told him I would miss him, but hung up before he could say any more.

Moments later, I realised that I told him we couldn't date to punish myself for not having the willpower to send him home at the end of the night once I knew he was taken, and he told me never to speak to him again to punish himself for not being more forthright in the first place. Shit like this is why you don't date people with whom you have too much in common.

* * *

In other news, my boss gave me a project that had four components I'd never designed before and said to have it done tomorrow. At first, I thought he was giving me more responsibility, but now I think he was punishing me for a) giving away the project he had given me last week, and 2) napping at my desk this morning. Oh, well, I like doing the really hard stuff best (hey, you know me! i like shit complicated!) so I'm happy with it anyway. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able to be quiet about how terrified I am that I'm doing a bad job.

Oh, yeah, and I can't seem to stop calling Russ stupid, even though I don't actually think that's true at all. If you need me, I'll be hiding under my bed.

(title of this entry comes from the jimmy eat world song "get it faster". I'm so emo it hurts)

Harumph

2006-06-29T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sigh.. I suppose I should have known that I couldn't pull it off. There was nothing with Russ last night, because he cancelled. For an entirely sketchy/lame/questionable reason. My voice sounded tight when I called him later to offer hanging out tonight, and I was too bratty in my voice mail today asking him if he was busy tonight doing the same thing as last night. Sigh.. I'm gonna avoid him tomorrow and hope the long weekend cures my bruised pride.

I need a new hobby. Chasing boys doesn't satisfy like it used to.

Banshee in my blood

2006-06-26T17:39:00.000-05:00

Because the only thing better than being in trouble is being in big trouble, I asked Russ out last night. He said yes, and we now have plans to drink a beer together Wed. If I said that I was freaking out a bit, I would be making my biggest understatement yet. It's a very strange feeling; I'm vacillating between freaking out and talking myself out of calling and cancelling, and freaking out and talking myself out of fantasizing extended sexual encounters with him.

Oh, yes, I'm definitely in trouble.

I didn't call him once today, which I don't think I've done since maybe week 2. Freaked out as I am about even contemplating having an inter-office romance (and besides the hourly employees that I made out with when I was in LA, I've really never had one), I'm more freaked out by the possibility of my boss figuring out what's going on and firing one or both of us. I'm sure it doesn't help that I can't find my employee handbook anywhere and I don't know if the contract I signed explicitly forbids dating or not. Ok, I just found it and they don't say anything about inter-office dating.

So... The reason I decided to make such a potentially self-destructive move: on Friday, I called Russ to ask him a question on one of my projects. He picked that time to tell me to call someone else, to press me into admitting that I just call him to talk to him (which is true, of course, but i'm certainly not going to admit it over his speakerphone) and I was sorta crazied up (Friday afternoon at a job like mine, and you would be, too) so I mumbled, "You're not the boss of me." and he replied, "Yes, I am!" so I said, "No, you really aren't." and he said, "Not even for the afternoon?" in this wheedling voice. And, holy shit, being bossed around is one of my biggest turn-ons, and Russ is one of my biggest turn-ons, so that was the end of it, basically. I called him yesterday and asked if he wanted to go for a beer sometime, and he answered with, "When?" The answer: Wednesday.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! After we got off the phone, I rolled around on the floor, shrieking. I have the self-control of a Buddhist.

Oopsie

2006-06-20T18:27:00.000-05:00

Hm, I haven't updated in a while. My computer is still not fixed; partly because I think it's a crying shame to pay 160$ for something I'm certain my engineer brain should be able to fix. Also because I seem to have a newly discovered inability to spend within my means, and my paychecks are gone moments after I receive them. If only I could be as thrifty in the last 3 days of my pay period when my account is overdrawn and I have no money for gas, food, or beer as I am during the first week and a half, before I realise I've overextended my funds, yet again.

I can still run my computer in safe mode, but there aren't any viruses on it (which apparently safe mode isn't intended to protect you from, in the first place). For the first couple of weeks, the wallpaper was plain black, with an annotation in each corner saying, "Running in safe mode" (hey, thanks for the reminder!). Now, there are very fine, blue streaks running vertically down my screen, which might mean that the problem really was the RAM (or that i'm about to become acquainted with the matrix), like some guy I talked to about it said, and my last bits of RAM are about to be killt. I wonder how long I can survive without any computer besides my work computer.

I'm sort of in a rut, despite having a date this Saturday. Meh, I'm really not that into him. And I sort of resent how all my friends seem to be getting concerned that I'm not dating anyone. Even my friend Kehla, who went about a year and a half without dating anyone for any length of time, brought up how summer is for flirting with cute boys. To that, I say, "I'll date when I'm good and ready... And when I meet a boy who's worthy of my affections."

My birthday was a week ago, which I enjoyed. I tried to milk it for a whole week, but only managed about 3 days before I just wanted to go back to normal: letting other people call the shots is sort of my thing. Of course, that gets me in trouble when the chain mail making guy at my party takes a shine to me. (ok, ok, i flirted with him first. it's a terrible thing to have such a low opinion of oneself. you think you're worthless, so you flirt with anyone who looks at you, and end up inadvertently hurting a lot of feelings).

Someday my self-destructive tendencies will end.

Fact of the matter is

2006-06-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not. Even though my friend beek hooked me up with free new antivirus software, my computer won't even boot up normally. It is a very strange sensation to be so free of the computer after years of being addicted to using it.

That's not why I'm here, however. I'm here to talk about mistakes. (oh, yeah, this probably won't be very humorous, so if you're here for teh </geek> funny, wait a couple more days) The thing with mistakes is, it's a lot easier to recover from them when you're young. And they tend to have shorter-reaching consequences. If you have extenuating circumstances, however, you'll catch up really quickly. I think mistakes are like chickenpox: the later in life you have them, the more excruciating they are. But that doesn't mean they're not every bit of worthwhile.

And I'm happy for mine, for they have made me who I am.

Smarter than the machine

2006-05-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

Feeling much better mentally but unfortunately my computer is on the fritz.

I was chatting online with my friend Ally before heading out for the evening, when my computer started going to black, which I thought was just a brown-out at first, but then it did it a bunch of times, rebooted itself, told me "Your computer has just recovered from a serious error," and then there were Chinese/Japanese (I'm guessing Japanese) characters in my desktop menu. Computer virus, gross. I really don't want to deal with it at all, but I'm sorta attached to the internet from the hip (Several times today, I went and sat down in front of my computer before remembering that it doesn't work at the moment), so I'll probably have to take it in somewhere, because I'm completely helpless. [/sarcasm] I can't decide if I want to play the damsel in distress and have one of my computer geek friends fix it, try to fix it myself, or pay someone else to do it. Or, you know, just sink myself further in debt and buy an Apple laptop, like I really want to do.

Who can say? But if you're wondering why I don't have anything to say, that's why. At least for the next few days, and then I will have another excuse. Don't worry.

Muddled and Miserable

2006-05-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

I am having what some people call a rough week.

Let's see... I got really upset by something Zach said Sunday (when is this gonna stop?) and started the week feeling poor. Then, Ally wasn't around, which bothered me more than I'm willing to admit to myself. And my coworker, Russ, played softball with us, which I thought would be fun, but everyone played like shit, including me (we were ten-runned AND shut out. in four innings. ouch. my only at-bat was a strike-out, which won me a nagging, "You're staying for batting practice, RIGHT? You know you need it." after the game. shit.). And then I was an idiot at the bar and flirted with him FAR too much. I was fielding sly grins from everyone around the table. Stupid stupid stupid.

Then, Tuesday, one of the VPs at work beckoned me into his office with one finger (how humiliating) to lecture me about my work ethic. I had been starting to slide and I was glad for it, a bit (I don't like being a slacker any more than my bosses do, I have too much residual Catholic in me for that), but it made me feel terrible and also validated one of my paranoias (that the guy was watching me like a hawk), so now I feel like ALL of my paranoias are valid.

Then, today, I got a lecture from my boss about how I'm asking the wrong people my questions (read: Russ), and he had me do some of my components with him watching over my shoulder. I was talking to one of my coworkers today (see previous paragraph: i never learn) and she said that she's started gnawing on her fingernails since working there. I have the same nervous vice that I've always had (cracking my knuckles, pulling hair), but they're both worse. I'm thinking about going back on medication for my OCD, because my job is both perfect for someone with OCD and murderous for someone with OCD (detail-oriented is good, but there are too many details to hold onto them all at once, which is how i usually like to do things. This is why I became a mechE, to force myself to learn how to break ideas into bits. I don't think it worked.).

And I can't shake this feeling that all the big-wigs at work are discussing the newbies and I'm coming up short. The guy who started two weeks after me has already finished as many projects as me. Gross. My boss also seems to take my mistakes as a personal affront, which is dangerous territory to be in. It's just a little harder to be neurotic and working.

This is neither here nor there, but I also realised that what I was hoping were visions are just more evidence that I'm slowly (or quickly, depending on your perspective) turning into Ally McBeal. And my figure is not nearly as nice (although, Calista Flockhart was always too thin for my taste, so that could be worse).

In case you weren't already convinced, I'm looking forward to the weekend.

* * *

Oh, yeah, and: Fuck you, gub'ment: "'New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves—and to be treated by the health care system—as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon,' reports the Washington Post. '[T]his means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control... [I]t's important that women follow this advice throughout their reproductive lives, because about half of pregnancies are unplanned and so much damage can be done to a fetus between conception and the time the pregnancy is confirmed.'" Because I'm a little bit crazy, I already do most of this, but that doesn't mean Dubya gets to tell me to do it, too.

Sexy is over-rated

2006-05-21T22:54:00.000-05:00

This weekend I played "life of the party." I almost tried to steal a boyfriend (but thought better of it, thank goodness), I ate candy off of the necks of others (one of the few things in life which is better in adulthood than childhood) and others ate candy off of my neck (amazing), I had a guy I've crushed on for maybe two years eating out of my palm, I let countless men feel my legs and I shook my booty like I was an extra in a Sir Mixalot song.

I dressed as "such a tease, she doesn't even know if she wants to be a tease" and wore my normal long-sleeved t-shirt with a t-shirt sporting an inappropriate saying (this one was my Betty Boop, sexiest cartoon perhaps ever, who is saying, "Who will second the motion?" And I'm still not sure what it means, but it's damn sexy) over it, and then my nice woven fishnet stockings which I bought in London and a short black skirt and black boots. My boots needed shining, but no one seemed to mind.

My favorite part of the weekend (aside from when some guy at a party told me i looked like amelie, which may just be the best compliment i've ever received) was having breakfast with my girlfriend Ellie. And then getting to watch Lost with her, which is SO GOOD.

I got a check in the mail from my old company (rather bad things happened during my employment there, but I care not to divulge further), Autofin, for $2. Is that their idea of a settlement check? There wasn't any sort of pay detail other than a pay stub saying that they'd paid me, and a phone number to ask questions.

I started a short story this weekend but it's going to turn out so dark that I'm afraid to let anyone read it. And I want to play more guitar.

It may also set you free

2006-05-18T17:52:00.000-05:00

I'm a little hormonal lately, and by lately, I mean constantly for the last 2 years. Not getting laid is rough. Unrghh... I spent all day at work today trying not to fantasize about making out (read: fucking against a cubicle wall) with my work husband, Russ. It didn't help that in the afternoon, he walked by my cube and fixed me with an "I can see right through you" stare as he walked by. Is there any situation in which that doesn't mean you want to boff someone? And when he walked back the other way, he did it again! Like, turned his head around all the way to look at me.

And then he basically ran out of the place so we could walk out of the building together and when I hung back, he slowed down. It's like we're in high school again!

* * *

These are my confessions:

I'm a terrible driver.

That's it for now. I discovered today that my heart pounds whenever I'm going to make (what I think is) a scandalous confession. ("Oh, my gosh! I'm about to tell the truth!")

Sometimes I worry about my immortal soul.

* * *

I don't really have a lot to talk about today, actually. I'm sorta worrying over things, trying to make a decision that works for me and those around me. Being indecisive is the pits. Having a weak spine is the pits. Being such a people-pleaser is the pits. The song on the radio just sang, "Make up your mind."

Haha, I was thinking about indecision the other day. My older brother, Tim, is getting married this summer, and when I was having coffee with his best friend, Pete, before taking Pete back to the airport, we were talking about Tim's extraordinary luck. Pete said, "It must be hard to see Tim shoot one arrow and hit the bulls-eye while you're shooting arrows all over the place and not even making the board."

The truth hurts.

Tomorrow is another day

2006-05-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

You've never felt so far away
As you do today

I wrote that in the car, leaving my softball game on Monday. I didn't find out why I felt that way until Tuesday afternoon. Sometimes being intuitive kinda sucks. And I can't say I much care for that jarring feeling that comes with reality. In fact, it bites.

(Whatever you think this is about, you're most likely wrong. And no, I'm not explaining myself)

I should say more (I'm a naughty little updater, I need to be spanked. No, really, please?), but I'm going to bed. I've been a little sick this week and I need the sleep, I assure you.

The one good thing to come out of this is that I'm finally inspired to write something new. I had worried that alienating Zach meant losing my muse, since he was the first person to inspire me to write anything (no, I'm not talking about blogging, I'm talking about music) since Jamis.

(also, I did a google search for Jamis' full name the other day and only three results came up, isn't that weird? and, I have no idea what his middle name is.)

I developed a mini crush on a boy tonight. He was with his gf, though, so I behaved and didn't do anything about it.

* * *

I have too many credit cards.

Confusion

2006-05-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

People like me? I don't believe you.

Travel?

2006-05-15T23:47:00.000-05:00

Saving money is hard. Having itchy feet is hard. Waking up at 6am every day is hard. Having people criticize you for stuff you already know you suck at is hard.

Ice cream, on the other hand, is not hard. It's delicious.

RE: Jection

2006-05-15T18:12:00.000-05:00

Unlike oral sex, I would rather receive than give it.

(yes, i mean both sides)

I'm actually 100% putz when it comes to being the writer of the Dear John letter. Let's add up the reasons why:

1) avoidant
2) people pleaser
3) go-alonger
4) shy
5) unassertive
6) afraid of people

* * *

I suck at masturbating lately. I'm not sure what my problem is. Hopefully my new sex toys will remedy the situation.

Ooh, I forgot to talk about putting pheromones on and going to a frat party. Ok, guys who seemed interested:

1) Icelandish man, cute but didn't have very much of an accent. He seemed damn cool, though.
2) Some guy at this frat party I was at. There weren't many guys there, and he was too young and too cute to like me. Really really cute, though.
3) There were a few guys at the party after, but I don't remember them very well. One of them (probably 19, why do i look like i'm 17? it sucks so bad) looked like a young young young Paul McCartney. We were supposed to find each other on myspace, but I forgot his name, and he must have, too. Meh, like I said, way too young for me.

Tone-deaf

2006-05-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

I'm totally exhausted and I doubt this entry will make much sense, but I'm too crazied up to sleep at the moment, so I'm here. Today sucked, but last night was awesome.

I went straight from work to Kehla's, where there was a Tasteful Treasures (read: sex toys) party. I don't know if it was the vodka or the sexual frustration, but I bought 100$ worth of merchandise. Um. I get a little crazy at those silly parties. I bought 74$ worth of candles at a candle party.

ANYWAY.

Kehla and I hung out a bit after everyone had left, and we planned to rent the vacant coffee shop down the street from me and have a dance-aoke event. Her idea is that a lot of people are willing to dance, but they're afraid to sing on their own. I'm the opposite way, actually, I would much rather sing than dance. Oh yeah, but Kehla has a "Karaoke on Demand" channel, and she couldn't come to my karaoke-ness later, so we sang and danced in her living room. To... Oh, do I really have to say it? N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" (kehla knew the whole dance, too, awesome) and Britney Spears' "Oops, I Did It Again."

(crickets)

ANYWAY.

I left her apt (you know you're good friends when your goodbyes last as long as the time you spend together :) and headed to the bar for some Stareoke. Shamefully, I was late to my own party (lame!). Luckily, my friends forgave me. I did Jay-Z's "99 Problems" which went better than the last time I did it, and I also did Alicia Keys' "Fallin'" which I choked a bit over. I realised today that I hadn't heard that song for years, so maybe not the smartest choice. The girl at the next table told me that I was brave for picking it, though.

My favorite part of the evening was when a woman came up and did a fantastic rendition of Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You." (did I mention that I'm a masochist?) I tell you what, I can fake it and sing those high notes, but it's a wonderful thing to hear someone whose voice is actually meant to go that high. She finished, and everyone roared, and I caught her smile at herself over winning the crowd. Ooh, competition!

AND! AND! AND! Sarah came, and I haven't seen her since before I started work at the oil-change place, I think (so, not five months like i'd originally said, but 3 is a damn long time, too!). She snuck up next to me and startled me, making me shriek in the middle of some poor chick's song (and she was a good singer, too, bummer) and then I jumped up and gave her a big hug. We were anti-social and huddled in the booth, catching each other up on all the haps. It had been a long time, but we didnt' miss a beat. I love her much and will miss her terribly when she moves.

Book report

2006-05-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

I am all alone in my apartment, with no plans for the rest of the evening, and I couldn't be happier. I've been several different kinds of whiny lately (I get peevish when I'm tired) and I'm looking forward to a lower-maintenance me.

Oy, so when was the last time I did a proper update? It was a while. I've been busy, far too busy to do all the things I'm supposed to do, much less do things that I enjoy, like keeping a blog and having phone sex with a Scotsman.

Well, here's the brief detail of what I did in the past few days:

Friday (5/5)

Went to a house party that included a concert in the basement. The crush I've had for years (the one who moved me to buy the white album) was there, playing drums. After his band played, I went up to him and complimented him on his versatile talents (he also plays lead guitar and sings in another band) and he said, "I'm everywhere! I do it for the people. I like to please people." and I said, saucily (is there any other way?), "Ooh, do you take requests?" and he said, "YEA I DO." and then he snuck a quick glance at my breasts. I nearly fell over. Damn, he wins.

After the bands were done, me and some friends went to Pyscho Szui's, and I was sauced. I caught myself giving a guy at my table a steamy look, totally (well, at least half-ly) unintentionally.

Saturday (5/6)

Went to the chiropracter, who was really really enthusiastic about everything I said to him, which freaked me out a bit. "YAY!" Then, Matt came over and we met my bruvva, his fiance, our friend Mary and their friend Craig at the german beer hall down the street. I taught them how to toast in Germany (yell "proscht!" and slam your glass on the table) and Timmy led the way to our being the loudest table there. Oh, yeah, and we got there before 3pm. The server came out and was like, "Are you all gonna get home okay? Should I call you a cab or something?" The beer was delicious.

Sunday (5/7)

I had my first real hangover in a while, but Matt wanted shopping, so we walked the mile and some change to calhooon square. I bought comic books, which were wonderful. I finally own Optic Nerve! To complete the geeky day, we watched anime with Timmy.

Monday (5/8)

In a terrible mood, and then my boss was harsher than I was up to brushing off. Exhaustion doesn't suit me. I was in a better mood by the time we played softball, though. After, I picked up Ben, whom I hadn't seen in a while, and we met some people to watch The Notorious Bettie Page, which was excellent. It was raining a lot, and I forgot to put money in the parking meter, so I ran back out to put money in, but after putting two quarters in, I realized that the meter already had more than an hour left on it from the last person to park there. I'm a pretty lucky person.

Tuesday (5/9)

Another day of being SO TIRED at work, but my boss was in a better mood, so that's nice. Oh, yeah, and I also asked the dopey HR guy if I could have facial piercings, and he came and gave me a carefully worded answer about business professional. The bottom line was, "We won't fire you just for a facial piercing, but please please please don't do it!" Aw, poor guy.

Oh, yeah, and I smirked about it later to a woman at work, who said, "Well, just pierce your nipples, then everyone's happy!" and I said, "Oh, I already have." Heh. Only one, though. (I like the assymmetry)

After work, Kehla and I watched the season finale of Veronica Mars, which was awesome. Also, this is embarrassing, but I cannot believe that Jade is still in the running to be America's Next Top Model.

And, today. I'm really horny and I kept catching myself staring at my work husband Russ's mouth. My boss came to give me another project and said, "Now, this one needs to get out pretty quickly, so don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to do this stuff, ok? Just ask a lot of questions and get lots of help." I think he may just have figured me out. He hasn't, actually (i'm not spending a lot of time puzzling through this or that concept, but i obsessively check my work and redo my answers and they're always right the first time because i'm actually pretty good at this shit), but I'll let him think so.

My work husband, Russ, said that he likes the white album the best. He doesn't actually read this, which I wanted to clarify because I realised I totally gave the impression that he did.

* * *

Monday, I was going through my closet looking for a shirt for Ben to wear (he had a spill) and I just remember looking through the contents of my closet and being mystified that I'd actually wanted to keep any of it at any point. It reminded me of how I threw away bags and bags of garbage when I was getting ready to move to LA, and when I reported this to Jamis, he said, with a tinge of disappointment, "It sounds like you're cutting ties."

I'm a maximalist, so it's kind of a big thing for me.

* * *

Ally and I were talking today, and he was complaining about how hard it is for him to meet people (a common problem amongst introverted males, apparently), especially girls. I suggested that he go to a coffee shop, as I always spend my time at coffee shops checking out the boys and I expect others do the same.

"I don't like coffee," he whined, so I suggested tea instead (I always forget that UK-ers drink more tea than coffee. weirdos). Then he didn't think you could just talk to people like that.

I said, "Sure, you can. I mean, it helps if they're reading a book, because then you can go up and ask them about it, and then introduce yourself, and then take them back to your apartment!"

Ally got real quiet and then said in a "just bizarre enough to be plausible" (or was it the "well, it IS christy we're talking about here") voice, "You haven't actually done that, have you?"

I said, "Oh, god, of course not! I would totally do it if you were the one asking, though."

And then he said, "So, all I have to do is find a coffeeshop that has you in it. In this country."

Aw... Ally's cute when he's dour.

* * *

I been tryin' to enjoy all the fruits of my labour
I've been cryin' for you boy, but truth is my saviour

I don't believe you

2006-05-05T17:45:00.000-05:00

Wait, so you're saying that falling in love is supposed to be a good thing?

Why I keep a blog

2006-05-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

I realized today just how much classier a person looks just from ironing their shirts. (i'm terrible at ironing my shirts. i need a housewife. anyone interested?)

My friend Rupa was talking about work husbands yesterday at dinner. Upon reflection, I realized I totally have one already. (Hey, I move fast, you know?) The other guys at work started immediately messing with me over my quick friendship with Russ, which is really just the product of me being like, "Okay, where's the first familiar face I see? I'm going to CLING to them forever and ever." (I'm kind of a scaredy-cat) Russ also has the status of perennial little brother, you know, the one who's just a little too skinny (not that russ is skinny, he definitely drinks his milk/beer, heh) and can't roll with the big boys. I figure, since everyone thinks Russ is a fuck-up, I can ask him questions and either my meteoric rise to notoriety will give him more credibility, or I can blame all my mistakes on him.

(hey, baby! I'll see you in hell!)

* * *

In wonder of all wonders, I got PAID today. Paychecks, man, they make the world go round. And, lucky me, my landlady is always a little late to cash my rent check, so I had $35.71 cents left over. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast.

(name that movie)

I kinda figured that the job sitch would turn out that way, because that's basically my MO in all my dealings (INFP: over-commit, somehow pull it all off, but probably not without snapping at anyone who comes close to you first).

* * *

Apparently, Matt thinks my "relationship" with Ally is too pathetic to find threatening. If I had any ego left, I might be offended, but instead I'm thrilled that I'm getting everything I want. I had a fantasy last week of going to a bar or something and running into some people I knew, and them saying, "So, how's it going, Christy?" and me replying, "Great! I'm getting everything I want!"

* * *

3 months ago, I started a mix CD for an acquaintance. I'm still working on it. I suck. Also, I just realized I never sent so much as a thank-you email to Stacey for putting me up while I was in Scotland. And I STILL haven't sent my grandparents a thank-you (my very catholic grandmother lit a candle for me at church, which is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me, I think). I suck at thank-yous.

I read a couple of months ago that you can drastically increase your quality of life by being more grateful. The article recommended writing 5 things for which your thankful. I prefer to get all choked up as I try to tell my closest friends how much their friendship means to me. Potato potahto.

Conclusions

2006-05-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

This world is crazy. I just saw a commercial on KARE-11 for a new piece about how government workers are getting huge pensions, and (OMG!) you, the taxpayer is paying it. When is the anti-tax sentiment of this nation going to stop? Government workers, like University employees, are paid a fraction of the money they would make in industry, and perform a service. What do they do? Oh, just a little thing called educating the people of America. Fuckers.

* * *

I made another conclusion, but this one is the sort of one you sleep on instead of posting when you're crazied up.

Sore Muscles

2006-05-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Two, maybe three, years after I first started planning to go to kickboxing, I found myself at a class.

The sky looked ominous all day, so I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised when softball was cancelled. I'd already eaten dinner, was wearing workout clothes and parked in the parking lot near my field. It seemed like a waste to just go home with all my motivation so I ran through my exercising friends. I hadn't hung out with Rupa in a while, so I gave her a call.

"Hey, Roop! My softball game was cancelled, wanna work out?"

She was heading to a class (she didn't specify which) so I picked her up and we went to her gym. As we were parking, I said something about bikes (last time we tried working out together, it was for spinning class and they ran out of bikes by the time we arrived) and she said, "Oh, no, we're doing kick-boxing." I swallowed a groan at how much pain I'd be in tomorrow and trailed behind her inside.

Again, I could feel the fat in my ass jiggling (ew ew ew). I made it through about 30 minutes of the high-intensity aerobic workout before I could feel my heart pounding in my ears, which is always my sign to quit. I coached myself that I couldn't expect to make it through a whole kick-boxing session (much less an intermediate one with a hard-core instructor) so soon after starting to exercise again (when i play sports, i talk to myself and call myself baby. it's definitely one of the weirder things i do, but it does wonders for my golf swing).

Rupa and I sat outside the room and stretched, waiting for the warm-down portion of the class to happen. She turned to me and said, "Sorry if I smell," and I said, "Ditto."

Roop's been having a rough time at her job, fairly similar to my experience at Autofin, except without all the inappropriate touching. At the end of the day, every group of men deteriorates into a lower class of humans. Don't get me wrong, I love (most) men, but I have watched the most civilized man turn into a jackass because he's in a group of fellow jackasses.

The workout finished, and we headed back to her place. She wanted dinner, but I had to get home in case maintenance stopped by (there was water dripping down my bathroom ceiling last night). She got out and was walking around the car when I decided that, fuck our sweaty clothes, both of us could use a hug. I hopped out and said, "I know we're smelly, but I haven't seen you in a while, so c'mere and gimme a hug." She obliged. That girl bugs the hell out of me sometimes, but I still love her like a sister. Or some other lame teeny-bopper saying.

Now I'm sitting at my apartment, drinking my ionic calcium (I'm turning more and more into my mother by the day), and trying to come up with a stratagem to avoid the three days of agony that happened last week when I played softball. Maybe Medium has anti-lactic acid properties.

Mental Diarrhea

2006-04-27T17:49:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to keep myself to writing carefully constructed posts, so you get random thoughts today:

* * *

It's hard to be immature and work in my industry. Just one example of many double entendre'd phrases: jackshaft.

(mm, jackshaft)

* * *

I have a confession to make: I bought the Beatles' White Album solely because a guy I had a crush on said it was his favorite (this was a long time ago, but i'll admit to still having a bit of a crush). I still like Abbey Road the best. (although, oh jeez, i always forget about sergeant pepper's lonely hearts club band! did you know that was supposed to be dr. peppers, but pepsico threatened to sue?)

On a related note, my favorite song with a hammond organ in it is "I Want You (She's So Heavy)."

* * *

Among my random recollections of the week, wearing a thong to work on Tuesday reminded me of my best friend in middle school sharing her first experience wearing a thong.

I was, as mentioned before, a repressed (or at least very sheltered, but i did start masturbating --not knowing what it was-- when I was 9) young Catholic, and I thought thongs were sandals. (heh)

She commented, "You'd think they'd be uncomfortable sitting in your asscrack like they do, but normal panties just ride right up in there anyway."

I stopped being friends with her in 10th grade, after she told a boy that I'd just broken up with that I'd done so because I liked someone else. In hindsight, I would have probably learned some good things (like practical joking and the art of comeback... get your head out of the gutter) if we'd stayed friends. Then again, I might have also ended up dropping out of high school like she did.

* * *

I showed my hot sexy bitch friend Kehla my shiny new website and said that you had to go to christymonster.com/blog to get to my blog. She asked what was on my main page, and I said a picture of myself. She sounded interested when she said, "Oh, like a splashpage?"

Uh, yeah.... JUST like a splashpage.

(also, i have a new picture, but my ftp place is wonked out, so i can't post it just yet)

My statement on my entry page is this: "Fuck you, HTML!" In all honesty, I could code something that at least looks presentable, but I'm just too damn lazy.

* * *

There's a woman at work who's kind of sucking my will to live right now. It'll be better when I'm done with the project I have with her, and it's almost done. I have a very hard time comprehending how someone can work in a position for 5 years and still not know the answer to the most basic of questions. And it's terrifying to realize how much she expects me to know. I wanna be all, "Whaaaugh! It's only my second week!"

The best part about my job is that I can listen to SO MUCH music while I work. Yesterday, I was hating 8am, but then I put on my CD player, and Isaac Hayes started singing to me, and it was all better.

The second-best part of work is the nerds. Nerdy guys are so cute, I just want to squish them! I totally caught a couple of them laughing at an SQL joke or some shit, all rocking back and forth and nose-crinkly! They're not actually attractive, but SO CUTE!

The guy that I knew way back in the day (we had intro to ME together) was in Vegas today and yesterday, and he's back tomorrow. It's a good thing he left for a bit, though, there were rumours starting over how I ask him all my questions (these rumours will probably follow me to whatever job i have ever again ever. i'm too much of a flirt for my own good). Pout, I'm just shy! Yes, I do realize that "shy flirt" is an oxymoron. I care not.

* * *

If my hair was just 2 inches longer, I think it might be perfect.

* * *

I totally have the hots for She Wants Revenge's song "I Want to Tear You Apart." I don't care if they are commercial radio, or a cheap imitation of Interpol. Dark love songs, they rule.

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

* * *

I had a magnificent fantasy yesterday about living with Ally and doing something to upset him and having him come home with a crop. Yummy!

* * *

I should really be flattered when guys with a lot of attractive female friends want to be my friend, but it wigs me out a bit. Boys are scary!

* * *

My goal for this blog is for at least one reader to say, "Oh, no, you di'nt!" to the screen at something I've said. Darlings, it's all true.

* * *

I realized today why my sore quadriceps have been so excruciatingly painful. It's because I have so much fat in my thighs that it jiggles my muscles way more than is necessary or comfortable. So gross.

When I was 14, my boyfriend could circle my waste (hahahahahaha, i'm leaving that awesome freudian typo) with two hands easily. Stupid woman-making hormones. (confid to my woman-making hormones: thanks for the tits.)

* * *

I don't love you to death
But I'd die if you left

(Beulah's "Night is the Day Turned Inside Out." Nobody knows which exit is yours.)

Softball

2006-04-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

My recollections from playing softball for four years when I was little (I quit when I was 12) are as follows:

1) Getting a bloody nose trying to catch a fly ball during practice (I learned how to wash blood out of cotton that day). That was the last time I had no fear of the ball.

2) Praying for hits (hey, I used to be really Catholic. Also, it always worked, which made me feel like Moses at the time and now makes me worry for my eternal soul)

3) My teammates getting pissed at my dad, first base coach, when he complimented the first base-woman (on the opposing team) on the play that she'd made.

4) Missing a throw-in, or having the girl in center field miss it (this was a LONG time ago), and us throwing it back and forth because neither one wanted to take responsibility for that terrible play.

5) Playing catcher my first season, having a player score on me and holding the ball instead of throwing it to 2nd, as there were still runners. My coach came out and he was so frustrated. He said something like, "Christy, you were supposed to... Oh, never mind."

I was as surprised as anyone, given my experiences (and the fact that i begged and begged my parents to let me quit softball), that I agreed to play on a team when asked. I kinda pulled a Dad (my dad is notorious for signing up for a billion things because participation just isn't what it used to be) and fell for the "we need more women for the team!"

I had butterflies in my stomach all day over the game tonight. It didn't help that my muscles were already sore just from the two hour practice the day before. I was worried I wouldn't even make it through a game!

I had my first at-bat during the second inning. I wasn't sure about this stuff, especially after cringing over home plate through two innings (people swing bats fast! right over my head!!!). But, I swung at my first pitch and sent a beauty of a line drive out. I promised myself earlier that I wouldn't stare at any hits I made, but I totally stared at it (i can't believe i just hit a line drive!) and watched as it went right into the second baseman's glove.

I also got an out, fielding a grounder. It was funny, he was right about where I was when I grabbed the ball, so I didn't bother to throw the forced out; I tagged him. The leader of my team gave me a thumbs-up.

The most surprising part of it was that, somewhere during the hour that we were on the field, I discovered I was having fun. I enjoyed playing as part of a team again. Maybe this is part of growing up: you start liking softball.

(for those keeping track: we got spanked. i believe the final score was something like 17-6. i think i was the only one there who wasn't bothered a bit. i'm not really a team player, i just play one at work)

Cheap slut

2006-04-23T22:43:00.000-05:00

"What kind of cheap slut do you think I am?"

After taking a poll of my friend Ellie, we have determined the proper response to this question to be, "A sexy one?" For the record, I went a different direction (when in doubt, make it seem like the other person is offending YOU, not the other way around: "Oh, yeah? Then what kind of cheap slut do you think *I* am?!?!").

Other activities this weekend:

We actually played that on the radio.

This was the 10 seconds of brainstorming that turned into our final product. Erin was clever enough to record most of our time on the mic, so there is now a pretty good recording of me laughing at the station. The laughter at the end of that second track is not mine, unfortunately. Gayle also said a moment later, "Are you on crack?" If I were a sound collage type of person, I could have some FUN with those recordings.

I also burped into the mouth of the boy I was kissing (classy!). Even though you wouldn't think so, it was more embarrassing than the time that I farted during sex. Matt threatened to blog all about it to embarrass me, so I'm beating him to the punch. That makes me... well, me.

I also joined a softball team that a woman at work is a part of. Apparently they have trouble having enough women play. I'll probably contribute as much from the sidelines as if I were standing in the outfield, though. Those softballs are scary! And, I'm very out of shape. This should be fun. Our first game is tomorrow.

Hello World

2006-04-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

I always felt a little sorry for latecomers to the art of blog. I don't know why it even matters, except for cred, but I would read new blogs and think, "You don't even know!" because I'd been through the ditches, you know? I fought in a war... The war for the internet!!

And now I am a newbie, too. I'm a latecomer to the art of blog. For better than four years, I hid under the umbrella of diaryland.com. But just as the butterfly must emerge from its cocoon sooner or later, so have I moved on from my safe haven with silly girly graphics. I'd link it, but it's too embarrassing.

Okay, enough with the bizarre metaphors. Hi. I'm Christy. Some of you are from diaryland, some of you are from elsewhere (and everywhere!) and some of you are just chancing upon my site. Either way, welcome. You can direct angry emails and/or love letters here, or just click the comments link below.

This has been your conscience speaking,